The Epic Love Story of Sam and Dean
by brie630
Summary: A look at Sam and Dean's 'love story'.
1. Preseries

Title: The Epic Love Story of Sam and Dean  
**Author:**slf630  
**Pairing:** Dean/Sam, mentions of Dean/Lisa, Dean/Cassie, Sam/Jessica  
**Rating:** NC-17  
**Spoilers/Timeframe:** Pre-series  
**Disclaimer:** It's Kripke's sandbox, I'm just borrowing his toys. I promise to give them back when I'm done. Any dialog from the show belongs to the wonderful people that wrote it.  
**Warnings:** Wincest. Weecest. Language. Bottom!Dean, Agnst (not sure that's really a warning- agnst is canon after all)  
**Summary:** A look at Sam and Dean's 'love story'.  
A/N: I took certain events from canon and added a Wincesty twist to chronicle their 'relationship'. Alternating POV's. This starts when Sam is 15. There is a second A/N at the bottom that details what episodes each section is from or based off of (in case it's not clear- I'm pretty sure they are though.) And I shamelessly ripped Sera Gamble off for the title ;) This is part one of a three part series running from preseries until season 5. Remaining parts are finished and will be posted soon.

Beta-ed by the always wonderful and super supportive sakura_no_mi. With out her this never would have seen the light of day.

**Is this Flagstaff?**

Fifteen is a confusing time for anyone. There are raging hormones and puberty to deal with. Those things Sam could handle. He was getting used to the fact that his voice still cracked when he was nervous or uncomfortable. He was finally starting to grow into his too long arms and legs -almost as tall as Dean now. He was used to waking up with a hard on every morning- just something all normal boys his age go through. Puberty and getting older wasn't the problem. Sam could deal with that. What he couldn't deal with was the constant turmoil that their lives were. He had never spent more than a month or two at any given school- it was a true testament to his intelligence that he was able to maintain an A average.

His dad was relentless and self absorbed. Nothing was more important than _the mission_. While Sam had known the truth for near seven years now -thanks to Dean- it still didn't change the fact that he resented their dad for the life he forced on them.

It wasn't so bad when Dean had been there with him, too young to help their dad hunt and Sam too young to be left alone. But that had changed when Dean turned eighteen. Sam was left on his own more and more after that. The constant companionship that he had with his big brother was gone. Dean was either with their dad on another ridiculously useless hunt or out with some random chick. But even when he _was _around, Dean was different -had been for the last year. He and Sam used to be inseparable. You never saw one without the other. Dean took Sam's side when he and John butted heads. He even took the blame for things that Sam did, earning John's wrath.

Teenage angst being what it is, Sam found himself unable to deal anymore. They had been in this shit hole town for two weeks. It was summer, which meant that he didn't even have the distraction of school. Dad was going to be at least another week but had left Dean home this time. He and Sam had gotten into yet another argument, Sam being the true epitome of the bratty little brother. He screamed at Dean that he wished he was dead then ran down the hallway to their closet sized shared bedroom, slamming the door.

Once the door was shut, Sam slid down the wood, long legs bent, arms wrapped around his knees. He buried his head in his arms, hot tears streaming down his face. Saying that you wished someone was dead was not something that you did when your family hunted monsters. And Sam knew that. He was just so mad at Dean. He let his head fall back, thumping it against the door. This was supposed to be time for him and his big brother to reconnect, not for his brother to go out and fuck some random skank named Rhonda. Dean had been out with her already three times this week. And Sam just finally _snapped_.

The tears fell harder when he heard the Impala start. Even after all that, Dean was still going? What was so special about this stupid girl that made her more worthy than Sam of Dean's time? He just hoped that he didn't bring her back here this time. He _did not_ want a repeat of a few nights ago when he innocently walked into their bedroom to see his macho big brother wearing women's panties. They were pink. And satiny. And Sam was pretty sure he wanted to gouge his eyes out with his favorite hunting knife after that one.

Well, fuck that. If Dean didn't want to be around Sam then Sam just wouldn't be around. He got up on shaky legs, hands trembling as he shoved his clothes into a backpack. He didn't even feel guilty when he took Dean's last hundred bucks before he left; didn't spare a glance back at the house as he took off out the front door.

He walked for awhile, not really knowing where the fuck he was going. They were on the outskirts of Flagstaff, Arizona and even though they had been here for two weeks, Sam was still unfamiliar with the area. He had been walking for nearly two hours after stopping at a local all night gas station, when he found an old abandoned cabin set deep in the woods. He could camp out here for the night, make a fresh start in the morning.

He walked cautiously up to the front -he was well trained after all, despite the fact that he hated it. He froze when he heard a small whimper. He pulled the knife from the waist band of his jeans, the only weapon he'd thought to grab. He crouched down, trying to stay low and out of sight. He laughed out loud to himself when he saw a dirty golden retriever crawling towards him. The poor thing looked more scared than Sam had felt.

"Hey there boy? You need a friend?" He held his hand out, letting the dog sniff his fingers. He smiled when the dog stood up, tail wagging. He was dirty and way too skinny for a dog his size. "Imma call you Bones, cause you're so damn skinny." He scratched behind Bones' ear. "But that's Ok cause I am too."

They went into the cabin, Sam surprised to find it still furnished. There was a couch, a table, an old TV, a bed and a fridge. There was enough food that he could live here for a few months if he wanted to. He wondered if he was far enough away from his brother and dad so they wouldn't find him.

He sat down on the couch, Bones curled up next to him, head in his lap. Sam smiled down at the dog as he absentmindedly rubbed his head. "Whaddya say Bones? I think I like it here. There's no Dean and dad. Just you and me." He looked around the room, weight in his chest finally starting to lift as he realized he was finally on his own.

He set up an easy routine. No training, no sparring with Dean, no target practice, no practicing Latin. Just eat, sleep and play with Bones. Before he knew it, damn near two weeks had passed. He was just starting to really settle in and believe that he wasn't going to be found. Surely dad was back from his hunt by then and he and Dean were probably onto the next town and next big bad they needed to take care of. So he had begun to let his guard down, taking Bones outside to play in the woods.

Two weeks after he ran away he was outside with the dog, laughing and running through the mud from the previous night's rain. To say that the strong hand closing around his bicep was a shock was an understatement. He turned wide terrified eyes and found his big brother standing there, full lips drawn into a tight line, his nostrils flared. What scared Sam the most was the black eye and split lip that was just starting to heal. "Dean?" He winced as his voice squeaked.

"Get your shit and let's go." Dean's voice was low and even but Sam wasn't fooled. That was Dean's 'I'm so pissed I can't even see straight right now' voice.

Sam tried to pull away, but Dean merely squeezed his arm tighter. "No Dean."

Dean tilted his head to the side. "No? Did you just tell me no?" Dean drug Sam into the house, shoving him down on the couch. Sam went to get up but Dean pushed him back down. "No. You sit your fuckin' ass right there and don't move." Sam watched as Dean moved around the small room gathering his stuff, shoving it into his bag. Once he was done he grabbed Sam by the arm again, trying to drag him out of the house. Sam pulled away this time, catching Dean off guard.

"Leave me alone Dean."

"You listen to me you ungrateful little shit. You are coming home and you are coming home _now_."

"We don't have a home, Dean. We have motels and the car. I just want for once in my life to be somewhere for more than a month."

"Sam, we aren't having this fight again right now. You know why we do what we do. It's time that you grow the fuck up."

Sam hated the fact that he could feel the tears stinging behind his eyes. "You and dad don't want me around, so what's it matter?"

"Have you lost your fucking mind? What do you mean we don't want you around?" Dean furrowed his brow, confusion evident in his eyes.

"The one chance that we had in a long time to hang out together, you run off to fuck the first chick you find. I don't care about dad so much, but..." Sam paused, voice tight. "I miss my brother."

"I'm right here, Sam."

"No you're not. You'd rather hang out with some girl and wear her panties than be with me. So I left." If Sam wasn't so furious, he would have laughed at the spot on impression Dean was doing of a fish out of water.

"You saw that?"

"Yeah. And the night I left? The last night you ditched me? I didn't wanna see you fucking her again. I couldn't," he ended on a whisper.

"You're just too young to understand. Once you're older and find a girl..."

"Fuck you, Dean."

Dean's face turned dark. "What did you say?" 

"I said. Fuck. You. Dean." Sam repeated like he was speaking to a small child.

Dean's hands curled into fists at his side. "Do you have any idea what happened when dad came home and you were gone? You ran away on my watch, Sam."

Sam shook his head 'no' but by the look of Dean's face, he could guess. John wasn't a violent man with his children but then again, Sam had never ran away before. And, in John's eyes, Dean failed in his most important job._ Look out for Sammy_. Sam looked up at Dean, tears pooling in his hazel puppy dog eyes.

Dean's resolve broke, anger rushing out of him with a sigh. He pulled Sam to his chest, strong arms circling his smaller frame. "I was so scared, Sammy. I thought you were fuckin' dead, bro."

Dean's tone scared Sam more than anything. Dean was the strong one, Dean _never _showed fear. "'m sorry Dean," Sam mumbled, face pressed against his big brother's chest.

"Why'd you think that I don't wanna be around you?" Dean whispered softly as he buried his nose in Sam's soft hair.

Sam pulled out of Dean's warm embrace; teenage hormones confusing his body. There was no reason for him to be half hard just from hugging his _brother_. "You keep ditchin' me, Dean. You never used to do that." Sam hated the whine he could hear in his own voice.

Dean sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "It's complicated, Sam. Like I said, you're just too young to get it."

"Dean, I'm fifteen not five. I understand about 'the birds and the bees'. I'd never ditch you for a girl," Sam argued. Because to him -Dean was everything. There was no way that some girl would ever -could ever- mean more than his big brother. Dean laughed and Sam's stomach twisted -almost feeling like he wanted to puke.

"You say that now. But just wait," Dean paused then slung an arm around Sam's thin shoulders. His voice softened. "Look. You're my brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, kiddo. You gotta know that you are more important to me than some chick I ain't ever gonna see again once we leave this shit hole."

That sickening feeling in Sam's stomach got worse. And so did his hard on when he felt Dean's warmth against his side through their clothes. _What the fuck_? He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the feelings rushing through him. He'd thought about Dean recently; there was no way he _couldn't_. His big brother was fucking gorgeous. Besides that, he was Sam's whole world. But they were just passing observations. Weren't they? He took a deep breath, focusing on other matters. "Is dad still mad?"

Dean smiled and ruffled Sam's hair. "He's pretty pissed still. You're probably in a shit load of trouble when we do get back. And I don't think I'll be able to get ya outta it this time, bro."

"Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"Do we have to go right back? Can we pretend that it took you longer to find me?" He flashed Dean his best puppy dog eyes and pout, the one Dean _always _gave in to.

Dean quirked an eyebrow and looked around the cabin. "Guess we can put off your execution for a day or two." He let his arm fall from around Sam's shoulder. "Whadya wanna do with your last 48 hours of freedom?"

Sam smiled at Dean. "Pizza." He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He pulled out a 12 pack of beer that whoever lived here before left. "And beer."

Dean shook his head. "Dude. You're 15."

"And? I know for a fact that you had been drunk by the time you were my age."

"That's not the point, Sam."

"Come on, Dean. If dad _does _let me live, I'll at very least be on some serious lock down. This is my last chance to have any real fun."

Dean sighed and shook his head. "If dad finds out..."

Sam interrupted. "I know. I know. You'll end me." He settled on the couch, Bones laying with his head on Sam's lap.

Dean smiled fondly at his little brother. "Ok. I'll go get the pizza."

Sam smiled in return and let his head fall back against the couch. Now that he was alone again he needed to figure out why his stupid hormonal body decided to react to Dean so strongly. He closed his eyes, picturing his big brother. Hazel eyes framed by long lashes. Dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose and over his cheek bones. Full pouty lips that look so soft that Sam suddenly wanted to know what they tasted like. Woah. Wait. Where the hell had _that _come from? The few other times he'd thought about Dean he'd never let himself go to far with it. As soon as the thought entered his head, he'd force it away.

He pushed the dog away when he realized that he was uncomfortably hard. He bit his bottom lip as he stared down at his own traitorous body. It wasn't that he was upset about the whole finding a guy attractive thing, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that the guy was his _brother_. And he had to admit to himself that he was starting to look at Dean in a decidedly non-brother way. He pressed his palm against his crotch, willing the erection to go away, whimpering when the contact made his dick twitch.

Dean would hate him if he knew. Sam considered running again while Dean was gone getting the pizza. But he knew it wouldn't matter, his big brother would just track him down again. Just thinking about Dean made him twitch again in his pants. There was no way this was just gonna go away. He'd just go in the bathroom and jerk off, get it out of his system and everything would be fine.

He moved on shaky legs, stripping once he had the shower running. He hissed as the water hit his straining length. He only hesitated for a moment before wrapping his hand around himself. He closed his eyes as he started to pump his cock, images of Dean flashing in front of him no matter how hard he tried to keep them at bay. He was so far into his own head that he didn't hear Dean come back with the food; didn't hear him walk up to the bathroom door. Sam's head fell forward, free hand slapping the tiled wall. "Dean..." he whimpered as he came harder than he ever had, orgasm making his knees weak.

"Sammy?"

_Shit. Goddamn. Fuck_. "Go away, Dean." Sam tried not to sound breathless, hoping that Dean hadn't heard him. But knew by the startled sound of his big brother's voice that he probably had.

"Come out of there, Sam."

Sam turned the water off but didn't open the curtain, knowing that Dean was still in the small room. He saw his brother's hand holding a towel around the curtain. He wrapped it around his waist and prepared to face his brother's hatred. He was confused when he opened the curtain -cheeks burning- to find Dean staring at him, eyes dark with an emotion that Sam couldn't place. But it wasn't anger or disgust. "Dean?"

Dean bit his bottom lip, trapping it between his perfect straight white teeth. His chest heaved slightly as he stared at Sam. "Get dressed. I think we need a drink."

Sam didn't recognize the low gravelly tone of his brother's voice. "You're not mad?"

Dean closed his eyes. "I think I need to drink a little to have this talk with you." He turned and walked out of the room, leaving Sam to redress alone.

Sam hesitantly walked into the living room to find Dean sitting on the couch, beer in one hand, feeding Bones pizza with the other. There was an open beer on the table. Dean looked up when Sam cleared his throat. He pointed at the fresh beer with his own. "That one's yours." Sam settled on the edge of the couch, sitting stiffly and as far away from Dean as he could.

"Eat up. Pizza's gettin' cold."

Sam watched Dean feed the dog for a moment, confused as to why Dean wasn't yelling or hitting him or _something_. He was eating and drinking like nothing happened. Like he didn't walk in and catch his little brother jerking off and moaning his name. Sam took a piece of pizza and ate it quickly before downing half of his beer. Dean would eventually say something, and Sam wanted to be drunk when it happened.

They sat in silence while they ate. Dean was on his fourth beer and Sam was finishing his second by the time the pizza was gone. Dean got up and grabbed them both another drink. Their fingers brushed when Dean wordlessly handed Sam the bottle. Both gasped slightly at the contact. Sam's wide hazel eyes flew up to Dean's. He was surprised to find Dean smiling down at him.

The knot in Sam's stomach loosened a little with that smile, or maybe it was the beer -he really couldn't be sure. He settled back further on the couch when Dean sat back down, closer to Sam than he was before he got up. Dean cleared his throat and turned to face him, bent knee brushing Sam's hip.

"Wanna tell me what that was about now?" Dean asked softly.

Sam could feel the blush creeping up his chest to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. "Depends on what you heard," he mumbled, staring at his knees.

"We both know what I heard, Sammy. So why don't you just tell me?"

Dean still wore that small smile, his eyes soft. Sam thought that he had known every look; every little thing about his big brother. But this he couldn't figure out. "You'll hate me."

"Why would I hate you?"

Sam's head snapped up, eyes locking on Dean's; confused by the obvious confusion he could hear in Dean's voice. "Cause I was... doing _that_... and you..."

Dean chuckled fondly as he stretched his arm along the back of the couch, hand playing with the still damp curls that hung at the back of Sam's neck. "Ain't something that's gonna make me hate you, baby boy."

Dean was fucking with him, had to be. There was no way in hell he was taking this so well. And acting like he may be Ok with it; may even want it too. "W-why?"

Dean scooted a little closer, whole leg now pressed against the side of Sam's thigh. "It's nothin' to be embarrassed about, Sam. Can't help what we fantasize about."

"But I was... I was thinking about _you,_" Sam whispered.

Dean chuckled again. "Well yeah. Kinda figured that out since I'm pretty sure that I'm the only Dean you know." Dean tilted his head as he ran his hand through Sam's hair. "How long?"

"J-just recently I guess." Sam's eyes slid closed as Dean's fingers continued to move through his hair. "Guess I was jealous of all those girls instead of being mad that you were ditchin' me." Sam opened his eyes to see that same dark look in his brother's eyes that he had in the bathroom.

"There ain't no need to be jealous, Sammy."

Sam furrowed his brow as he bit his bottom lip. He gasped when Dean reached out, thumb running over his lip. "Dean?" He was sure now that Dean was just fucking with him and any minute he was going to freak out, call Sam a sick twisted freak. Or he was going to start laughing and teasing, still call Sam a sick twisted freak. Or he was going to beat the ever living shit out of Sam. As stupid as it may be, Sam kinda hoped that it was the latter. An ass whipping would be so much easier to deal with than the freak out or the teasing. "Stop messin' with me." He winced when his voice came out in a whine.

"Shh. It's ok, Sammy. It's ok," Dean whispered as he leaned forward, lips brushing against Sam's.

Sam pulled back, eyes wide as he studied his brother's face. "What're you doing?" Anger was quickly starting to replace every other emotion that was warring for dominance in Sam's confused brain. There was teasing and there was just being cruel. And Dean had steadily passed into the cruel part.

Dean cupped Sam's face in his hand, thumb once again rubbing his bottom lip. "You want me to stop?"

Sam shook his head. "No. Yes. I don't fucking know. I'm just really confused, Dean."

"What's there to be confused about, Sammy?"

Sam gaped at his brother for a moment. What's there to be confused about? Sam snorted to himself. How about every fucking thing that has happened since Dean showed up to take him back. "I thought you liked girls." Sam decided it best to leave out the whole_ I'm your little brother _part. Cause, really, who was he to throw stones about having very un-brotherly feelings? He just really had a hard time believing that Dean could remotely feel the same.

Dean laughed. "I do. But I like you more."

Sam furrowed his brow again. Hmm. Ok. That was... not what he expected. "You ever done... anything with a guy?"

"Some. Not gone all the way or anything." Sam's eyes widened causing Dean to laugh again. "Calm down, Sam. I don't mean that we're gonna go all the way. Dude, you're 15. And that's some pretty intense shit for a 15 year old."

Wait. Hold on. We? Did Dean want... where they gonna... what the fuck? Sam groaned to himself. He wasn't even able to form complete sentences or thoughts in his own freaking head anymore. But he was curious by nature; couldn't stop himself from blurting out. "What else is there?"

Dean shook his head, smiling fondly. "You overthink everything, dontcha?" he paused. "You really want a sex ed lecture right now?"

"No... but. I'm just curious."

Dean sighed as he ran his hand through Sam's silky chocolate tresses again. "There's kissing. And touching. Lots of stuff other than sex."

Sam nodded, then turned his gaze back to Dean's. "Are we gonna... ya know?"

"If you want."

"Will you kiss me again?" Sam's voice was low, unsure.

Sam felt like he was struck by lightning the second time Dean pressed his lips against his. But this time it wasn't soft and tentative. It was a real kiss. Sam couldn't help the moan that escaped when he felt Dean's tongue lick the seam of his mouth. He opened his lips, letting his brother's tongue slide against his own. His head was swimming by the time Dean pulled away.

Dean rested his forehead against Sam's. "You sure you want this, Sammy?"

Panic settled in Sam's stomach. Panic and a little bit of fear. He _did _want this. He just didn't want Dean to do it because of that. "Do you?"

"That wasn't the question."

"My answer depends on yours, Dean. I don't want you to do _this _just cause I want to."

Dean was quiet for so long, Sam started to panic more. He thought about pulling away from the heat of his brother's body and locking himself in the bathroom for the next 30 years or so. Not that would do a great amount of good. Dean would just pick the damn lock -or kick it in; his big brother always did have a flare for dramatics. The truth was out there, neither of them would be able to take it back -or pretend it away now. Sam felt a lump roughly the size of a basketball settle in his throat, his stomach twisting into knots. "Dean?"

Dean ran his hand up the inside of Sam's thigh, bottom lip caught between his teeth for a moment. "I think I do," he breathed, gravelly voice barely above a whisper.

Sam's stomach eased a little, only to be replaced by the uncertainty of what would happen now that Dean'd said it out loud. "I think I do too."

"Ok then." Dean pulled away.

"What... what're you doing? I though we were doing this?" The fear returned once the warmth of Dean's hand was gone.

Dean smiled at Sam. "Dude. You've had two beers. There's no way in hell anything is happening right now." He sighed as he brushed his lips against Sam's. "Need you to have a clear head, Sammy." He stood up, hand held out for Sam to take. "So we sleep tonight. Work the rest out in the morning." Dean huffed as Sam just looked from his hand back to his face. "Come on geek boy. Bed's that way right?" he asked as he pointed into the other room.

"Umm... yeah." He slipped his hand into Dean's, letting his brother help him stand. "Together?"

"Unless you'd rather I stayed out here on the couch."

"No." Sam replied quickly. "Um... no. Together's good." For some reason, that made Sam more nervous than the thought of making out with Dean on the couch. It wasn't the first time they would share a bed. They had for years, until Dean had turned 15. But this was different.

Dean smiled as he wrapped one arm around Sam's shoulders and led him to the bedroom.

Both were quiet as Sam watched Dean strip down to boxers and t-shirt. His fingers shook as he removed his own cloths. Dean laid down on the side closest to the door. He flipped the blanket back and patted the empty side of the mattress. "Come on, Sammy. I don't bite."

Sam laid down on the edge, his back to Dean. He let out a startled yelp as he felt Dean's strong arm wrap around his middle, tugging him closer. He laid stiff as a board when Dean settled behind him, chest pressed to Sam's back, arm still around him.

"Relax, Sammy." Dean murmured against Sam's ear. Sam took a deep breath and relaxed into his big brother's embrace.

Sam woke the next morning, Dean still wrapped around him. He snuggled down further into Dean's arms, smiling to himself. He froze when he felt something poking into his back. Was that? Dean was _hard_. He froze, not even daring to breath. He tensed when he heard Dean groan, nose nuzzling into the back of his hair.

"Mornin', Sammy."

"Mornin'," he whispered as he realized Dean's arm was very close to his own 'morning wood'.

Dean kissed the side of his neck before getting up. "Be right back. Gotta go."

Sam felt stupid for thinking that Dean was hard because of him. Dean was drunk last night, that was the only reason that he had let things go as far as they had. But what was up with the nuzzling and the kiss? He got up himself to use the bathroom when Dean returned. He noticed that Dean was back in bed, laying on his back, one arm behind his head, when he walked back into the bedroom. He hovered at his side of the bed, unsure what to do.

Dean smiled up at him. "You gonna come back to bed or just stand there all morning?" Sam's cheeks turned pink as he laid back down. Dean once again pulled him close. "You don't have to lay with your back to me, Sam."

Sam closed his eyes as he rolled over to face his brother. Dean's hand pushed against the small of his back. Sam tensed again when Dean grabbed his arm and placed it over his stomach, head now cradled on his shoulder. "Hmm. That's better." Dean smiled as he closed his eyes.

Sam stared at the side of his brother's face. _Maybe it wasn't just the beer last night_.

"I can _hear _you thinking, Sam. Wanna tell me what's goin on in that massive brain of yours?"

"Just wondering if you were serious last night." _Crap_. Since when did his mouth open without the direct consent of his brain?

Dean opened his eyes, looking down at Sam. "Do you think that I'd be _cuddling _with you if I wasn't?"

Sam knew that he really needed to shut his stupid mouth before he screwed this up before it even really got started. He really did. But apparently his brain and his mouth were disconnected that morning. "I don't know _what _the hell to think."

Dean smiled as he leaned down, lips brushing against Sam's. "Then for once in your life, don't think." Sam opened his mouth, not really sure what he wanted to say, only to snap it shut again, when Dean took his hand and laid it over his still hard cock. "This feel like I wasn't serious?" His voice was low and husky again, eyes dark. Sam was starting to realize this was what his brother looked and sounded like when he was turned on.

Sam moaned as his own erection twitched. Dean turned to face him, arm still wrapped around him. Dean gripped his hip with his other hand. "Dean?"

Dean kissed him again, tongue slipping inside as soon as Sam opened his mouth. He pulled away, forehead resting against Sam's. "I want this, Sam. I really do. But we gotta take this slow, OK?" Sam could merely nod. "I'll let you decide what you're comfortable with and how far you wanna go. But I meant what I said about sex."

"You were having sex at my age," Sam argued for some reason he couldn't understand.

"With girls, yeah. But this is different, Sam. Besides, you shouldn't do something just cause I did."

"'m not saying I want to..." Sam trailed off as he looked into Dean's eyes.

"What _do _you want?" Dean asked as his thumb rubbed circles on Sam's hipbone.

"Touch me?" Sam whispered.

Dean pulled him back into a mind numbing kiss as his hand slipped into his boxers. Sam gasped as Dean's hand wrapped around his dick. "Dean..." Sam moaned, head dropping to his brother's chest.

"You can touch me too, Sam."

Sam hesitated for just a moment before sliding his hand into Dean's underwear. He pumped his brother's erection the same way he did his own, unsure what to do. Dean kissed him again, harder and more passionate this time. Sam was already embarrassingly close to coming. "Dean... please... gotta stop... gonna..."

"It's Ok, Sam," Dean soothed as he continued to stroke Sam. "Shh. It's Ok," Dean repeated. "I gotcha."

"Dean..." Sam moaned as he came, Dean gently working him through it, kissing him softly. Sam blinked owlishly once he was able to think, realizing that his hand was wrapped around his brother's still hard dick. He picked back up his rhythm, wanting to get Dean off as well.

Dean's head fell back. "Shit... Sam. You... you don't have to," he moaned.

"Want to." Sam leaned forward and licked Dean's neck.

"_Fuck_... little harder, Sammy." Sam tightened his grip. "Mmm... that's it... God... 'm gonna come baby boy." Sam watched Dean's face as his orgasm hit. He lightened his hold, still pumping slightly as Dean shuddered. Dean reached down and gently removed Sam's hand when his touch became too much on over sensitive flesh.

Fear settled in Sam again when Dean got up out of the bed. It must have showed on his face because Dean ran a hand through his hair. "Just gonna get something to clean up with, Sammy."

Sam sighed and laid on his back when Dean returned with a warm wet wash cloth a few moments later. Dean wiped his own stomach and hand before gently wiping Sam off. He threw the cloth on the floor and laid back down, Sam automatically turning into his arms this time. He laid with his chin on Dean's chest, fingers playing with the amulet he gave his big brother for Christmas nearly seven years before. He let out a deep sigh. Dean quirked an eyebrow. "What's up, Sam?"

"I know you said not to overthink this but..." He sighed again. "What's this mean?"

"What exactly are you asking, Sam?"

"Is it just me and you? No one else?"

"That what you want?"

"Yeah. But, I mean, if you don't..." Sam trailed off.

Dean kissed Sam's temple, hand smoothing back his sweaty bangs. "I'd never do that to you, Sam."

Sam smiled as he laid his head on Dean's chest, eyes sliding shut. "Ok then. Just me and you."

**It was the bendiest weekend of my life.**

"Dean," Sam whined. "What're you doin'?"

Dean's back stiffened when he heard Sam in the doorway to their bedroom. He had really been hoping to get out of the house before Sam caught him. "Where's dad?" Distraction. He'd try distraction.

"Gone to interview witnesses." Sam's eyes narrowed at his brother's attempt at distraction. "That doesn't answer my question though, Dean."

_Well shit_. Sam had caught him packing _and _dad wasn't home. Could this really get any worse? _Don't ever ask if it could get any worse_.

Dean turned to face Sam. If he was going to do this he had damn well better be man enough to face his little brother when he did. "I need to get away for a bit, Sam. I need to think about some things."

Sam cocked his head to the side. "You mean that you need to think about me? Us?"

Dean sighed as he dropped down on his bed. "Yeah. That's exactly what I mean."

Sam moved further into the room, standing between his brother's knees. "Are we really gonna have this fight again, Dean?"

Dean made the mistake of looking up into Sam's hazel puppy dog eyes. "I meant what I said, Sammy."

"And I don't get a say in this at all?"

"You don't know what you want, Sam. You can't. You're only 16 for the love of God!"

"Yeah, I know. And I was only 15 when we started this." Sam cupped the side of Dean's face, thumb tracing the freckles along his cheekbone. "What makes you think I don't want it?"

"You've never had anything -_anyone_- else," Dean argued matter-of-factly.

"Never wanted to," Sam replied in the same tone.

Dean stood up, needing to put distance between himself and Sam. "Look. Help dad finish up with the banshee. But I need to do this, Sam."

"So you're ditching me again? Is that it?" Sam resorted to the bratty little brother tone.

"No. I just need a few days to clear my head. And you need a few days away from me to clear yours." Dean didn't look back at Sam as he left, as hard as it was not to.

Sam followed him out to the porch, watching silently as Dean got in the Impala and drove away.

The last thing that Dean wanted was to hurt Sam. But he needed to put a stop to this _thing _they had between them before it went further. Sam had been pushing the issue lately. Stating that they had been _together _for a year and he wanted more; he wanted sex. And Dean just couldn't do it. Sam was still young and this was the last of his innocence. Dean didn't want to be the one to take that away like he had every other time. Add to that the fact that Sam was becoming more hostile and resistant to hunting. Screaming and fighting with dad about wanting a _normal _life. How was having sex with your brother normal?

And Dean was selfish enough to admit to himself that this was about self preservation too. Sam had begun talking about leaving for college when he graduated. Leaving hunting, leaving dad. But he would also be leaving Dean. And despite the tough guy, 'no chick flick moments' exterior, Dean loved his little brother. Truly, deeply, madly loved him. So he needed to end it. Before one or the both of them ended up hurt beyond saving. And not only losing a lover -_or whatever_- but a brother too. And that was something Dean was not willing to risk.

Dean drove out of Orlando and just kept going north. He really had no destination in mind. Just wanted to put Sam and Florida as far in his rearview mirror as he could at that moment. Dean had never been selfish. Never took anything for himself. But he would have this. This one little thing. A little space and time away from Sam and his developing muscles and dewy sensitive eyes that always seemed to look into Dean's very soul.

He didn't stop driving until he reached Indiana. Which was as good a place to stop as any he figured. Sam had called him 6 times since he left the day before. Dean would answer long enough to tell Sam that he was alive and fine but would hang up before Sam could say anything more than his name.

He stopped to get gas, local small town bar right across the street. Hmm. A drink -or twelve- sounded really good.

It was a Friday night and the place was pretty packed for being in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana. Dean slid up to the bar and ordered a beer and a shot. He looked to the pool table. Maybe he'd play a game; for fun for once instead of hustling. He sat for awhile, beer after beer, shot after shot, trying to numb the part of his brain that was constantly wondering what Sam was doing. And that's when he saw _her_.

She was stunning. Long dark hair, big brown eyes. Soft curves in all the right places. Dean was surprised by the sudden burst of lust that had his jeans fitting just a little tighter. He hadn't really so much as looked at another person since he and Sam had... whatever they were doing. Not _seriously _looked anyway. Dean was still Dean after all and flirting was like breathing.

He watched as she sat with her friends, laughing and drinking. She was pounding shots so quick she could probably give Dean a run for his money. Man, this chick was _awesome_. Even drunk she was all cat-like grace as she got up to go to the bathroom. Dean was off his barstool and across the room however when she came back out. Some fat sweaty redneck grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her to him. She struggled and kicked but he wouldn't loosen his vice like grip. Dean heard her scream, begging him to let her go as he tried to drag her out the back of the bar.

"I really think that you need to let her go."

Both the drunk and the girl looked up to see Dean standing right there. "What're you gonna do, pretty boy?" The drunk slurred.

Dean grabbed the guys wrist, squeezing it as tight as he could. He leaned forward, face inches away from the redneck's fat sweaty face. "I have a gun. And I'm not afraid to shoot you in the face."

He drunk pulled away, swinging one large meaty fist at Dean. He ducked the punch and followed up with one of his own, breaking the guy's nose. He instantly dropped his hold on the girl in favor of cradling his now freely bleeding face. Dean looked to the girl who was wide eyed and terrified. "You OK?"

She stared at Dean for a moment, then looked back to the guy that had attacked her. "Um... yeah. I guess."

Dean gently laid a hand on the small of her back, leading her away from the other guy before he could recover. "Come on. I'll get you outta here."

He led her to the parking lot and the safety of the Impala. She studied the car for a moment then turned back to Dean. "Thanks umm... for that."

Dean shrugged one shoulder and gave her the patented Dean Winchester panty melting smirk. "Not a problem. Knight in shining armor is kinda in the job description."

She smiled as she slid one hand up his chest. "Well, does my knight have a name?"

"Dean. Dean Winchester."_ What the fuck_? Maybe he was drunker than he thought cause he just totally gave this chick his _real _name.

"Hmm. Dean. I'm Lisa. You wanna get the fuck outta here?"

Oh yeah. He definitely did.

Lisa had a loft 10 minutes away from the bar. They barely made it through the door before she launched herself at him. He cupped his hands under her perfect soft ass and picked her up, walking further into the room. She broke away from the kiss long enough to take a breath. "Want a drink? There's tequila in the kitchen."

Dean grunted as he moved towards the kitchen.

Dean woke up Monday morning sore and more hung over than he'd ever been in his life. He remembered flashes of Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels and the most flexible woman he had ever met. _Crap_. Woman. He looked around, eyes landing on the still passed out petite curvy body next to him.

He got up as quietly as he could but she heard him anyway. "Where you goin?"

"I uh... I'm sorry, Lisa but I gotta go. Gotta get back to work."

"Hmm. OK." She smiled as she flopped back onto the bed. "Nice meeting you, Dean." she mumbled before she fell back to sleep. Dean stood blinking owlishly for a moment. He didn't quite know how he'd done it, but he'd met the female version of himself. He smirked as he left her loft, left Cicero and headed back towards Florida.

He had plenty of time to think on the drive back. He hadn't set out to hook up with some random chick. And the closer he got to Florida,_ to Sam_, the guiltier he felt. And even though he'd told Sam that they were not doing _that _anymore, he still felt like he'd _cheated _on his little brother. _Fuck_. When the hell did he turn into a woman?

Dad's truck was gone when he pulled up to the house. It's a good thing he thought to stop and rest, take a shower, before he got home. Because the minute that Sam heard the Impala, he was out the door like a hell hound was on his ass. He tackled Dean, both landing in the soft dirt with an 'oomph'. Sam smiled that mega-watt, light up a room, dimples out in all their glory smile that always made Dean melt.

"You're back." Sam pressed a small kiss to his lips. "God... missed you so fuckin' much."

And although Dean was too drunk to think about it at the time, the guilt he felt for his weekend long drunk sexcapade with gumby girl showed him that he felt the same. "Missed you too, Sammy." He was gifted with another one of those melt your heart smiles and quick kiss. He pulled away before Sam could deepen the kiss. "Where's dad?" he whispered, body already reacting to having Sam lying on top of him.

"Gone. Georgia. Poltergeist," Sam responded between kisses. "Supposed to meet him there 'whenever you drag your ass back home'." Dean laughed as Sam did his best impression of their dad. "So that means we got the house to ourselves."

Dean tightened his grip on Sam's lean hips. He was as tall as Dean now; growing more every day it seemed. Lying there in the soft dirt by the side of his car, they were face to face, chest to chest, groin to groin. Dean moaned slightly as Sam wiggled around a little. "Let's go inside, Sammy. We need to talk." He didn't know _what _he was going to tell Sam about what happened while he was gone, just knew that he needed to tell him something.

"Don't wanna talk, Dean." Sam kissed him again. "I did what you said. I thought about things. Went out on a date with a girl from school." Dean couldn't help the spike of jealousy that shot through him despite the fact that he'd spent the weekend drunk and naked with some chick in Indiana. "I was miserable, Dean. She was _soooo _boring. I couldn't talk to her about anything. All I kept thinking about was you. And when she kissed me? Nothing. Not like your kisses. But I really tried. I promise I did."

Sam was babbling. Dean gently covered Sam's mouth with his hand. "Shh. It's OK, Sammy. I believe you."

"Dean, I don't wanna stop."

"Sam... while I was gone..."

Sam cut him off. "I don't care what you did while you were gone. All I care about is what you've decided."

Dean kissed Sam again, frantic and passionate. He rolled them over, hands framing Sam's face as he kissed and nipped at his jaw and neck. "God, Sammy... I tried too. But I..." He paused, eyes locking with Sam's as he stared into his beautiful little brother's face. The _I love you _dying on his lips. "I don't wanna stop either."

Sam stared pawing at his clothes, trying to get the jacket and overshirt off. Dean grabbed his hands in his own, stilling his frantic fingers. "Let's go inside."

Sam groaned but followed his brother. They raced into the house, laughing and wrestling at the door, both trying to get through first. Once inside, Dean gripped the back of Sam's neck, dragging him to his chest. He sucked Sam's bottom lip between his own, teeth nibbling gently. He walked backwards, pulling Sam with him to their bedroom, striping clothes off as they went. They collapsed onto Dean's bed since it was closest, arms and legs tangling. Sam managed to get back on top of his big brother, jeans down under his ass. "Shit... Dean..." Sam moaned as Dean bit his collar bone. The younger Winchester struggled and fought to get their jeans the rest of the way off, small triumphant smile on his face when he managed. He ground his hips into Dean's, boxer covered erections sliding together. "Please Dean..."

Dean knew what Sam was asking for. And despite himself, he wanted it too. He pulled away from Sam slightly. Maybe he could do this. But the first time, he'd give himself to Sam. He still thought that his little brother was too young to be fucked. "OK, Sammy." Sam's wide eyes sought his, question in their depths. "Yeah. Ok." Dean rolled Sam off of him so he could get up. He striped off his boxers then Sam's before grabbing the lube and a condom from his bag. Sam had settled on his back, legs spread wide. Dean silently laid back down, pressing the bottle of lube into Sam's hand. "I'll talk you through it."

Sam's eyebrows shot up, damn near reaching his hairline. "You- you want me to?" His voice cracked in the middle.

"Yeah. The first time at least, yeah."

Sam shook his head. " Dean, I can't."

"Yes you can. You know the basics, Sammy. Like I said, I'll walk you through the rest." Dean ran his hand through Sam's hair. "Just let me do it this way. Please baby boy?"

Sam smiled like he always did when Dean called him baby boy. He swallowed thickly and nodded. "What do I do first?"

Dean took the lube back, squirting some onto Sam's fingers. He rubbed it in a little, warming it up. "Start with one." Sam pressed forward with his trembling index finger. He stopped when Dean's breath hitched. "It's Ok, Sammy. Keep going. Just go slow."

With some quiet encouragement and tender instruction, Sam managed to work up to three fingers. Dean moaned, back arching slightly as Sam's fingers ran over his prostate. "Shit... 'm ready." He missed the full feeling when Sam removed his fingers. Sam looked at him with wide eyes when Dean silently handed him the condom. Dean was pretty sure that he would have used a rubber with Lisa; never had sex if he didn't. But he wouldn't take that chance with Sam. He knew that Sam probably thought it was stupid considering they bleed on each other all the time but this was different. He'd find a clinic and get tested, but until then, they would be protected.

Sam shrugged and rolled the latex over himself. Dean went to roll over onto his knees; Sam's warm hand on his hip stopped him. "C-can we do it this way? I wanna be able to see you."

Dean nodded and settled back onto the mattress, knees bent and spread. He smiled fondly at the look of intense concentration on Sam's face, brow furrowed and chewing on his bottom lip. Dean nudged him in the ribs with his knee. "Just relax," he whispered when Sam looked up at him.

Sam nodded and scooted closer to Dean. He never took his eyes off his big brother's as he slowly pressed forward, tip breaching Dean for the first time. Dean knew that he needed to keep the pain from showing, because Sam was watching him like a hawk for any sign of discomfort. But... _fuck_... little brother wasn't so little anymore. "Y-you OK?" Sam asked through gritted teeth.

"Yeah. Just do it," Dean panted, hoping that once Sam was all the way in the burn would let up. Sam stopped once he was buried to the hilt, eyes studying his. Dean nodded. "Just... just give me a second." He could feel Sam's legs trembling with the effort to stay still. After a few torturous moments, the pain and burn subsided. He wiggled a little, testing the stretch, causing Sam to moan and drop his head to Dean's chest.

"Fuck... Dean... I... can't."

"It's ok. Move, Sammy." Dean's hands moved to Sam's hips, helping him set up a slow gentle rhythm. Sam shifted slightly, cock hitting Dean's prostate. The elder Winchester arched off the bed, back bowed beautifully. "Oh fucking hell... do that again..." Sam looked confused but aimed for the same spot again. Need and desire surged through Dean, the slow pace no longer working. "Harder," he panted.

Sam pulled back and slammed forward, letting his body take over. He pounded into Dean, dick hitting that special bundle of nerves on every other stroke. Sweat rolled down the side of his face and over his tan chest, making Dean want to lick every inch of his gorgeous baby brother. He let go of Sam's hip, right hand wrapping around his own erection. He jerked his hand in tandem with Sam's thrusts, orgasm building quickly low in his stomach. "Shit baby boy... 'm close."

Sam growled, _fucking growled _as he began to pump harder; rhythm becoming erratic. "God Dean..." he moaned. Dean watched as Sam tensed, whole body going ridged above him as his little brother came undone. He felt Sam's cock pulsing inside him. He sped up his strokes -seeing Sam fall apart pushing him over the edge. Dean cried out Sam's name as his own release hit, come covering his hand and their stomachs.

Sam collapsed in a heap on Dean's chest, panting as his heart pounded. Dean wrapped his arms around his sated little brother and rolled them over, pulling Sam's spent and softening dick from his body. He pulled the condom off, tied it and threw it in the small trash can by the bed. He grabbed his shirt and wiped himself and Sam off, then laid down, pulling a sleepy eyed Sam into his arms. Sam snuggled into his embrace, small kiss placed against his chest. Dean smiled as he ran a hand through Sam's sweat soaked hair. "You OK, Sammy?"

Sam managed to lift his head just enough to look at Dean. "That was _awesome_." And the smile that Dean received from Sam was enough to erase whatever lingering guilt and doubt there was.

**Wow. This was like one of the worse nights of my life.**

Dean cringed as he heard something slam against the living room wall. He ran out into the room, hoping it wasn't his little brother's head. He stood back as he saw Sam and dad, toe to toe, chests heaving. They had been at this for hours at that point.

"So you just think that you're gonna go and live some normal life? That 'm gonna let you?" John spat.

"You can't stop me dad," Sam yelled, just as loud.

"We need you, Sam and you're just gonna run away again?"

"This isn't me running away dad. This is just me going to college. I want more from life than hunting. Than this!" Sam screamed as he threw his arms out wide, indicating the crappy apartment of the month.

"So help me, Sam. You walk out that door, don't you ever come back."

"Fine." Sam turned, eyes locking with Dean's. He faltered for just a second before pushing past him, slamming the door to their room as he went.

Dean turned to John. "Really dad? You're kickin' him out? For good?"

John turned, noticing his oldest son for the first time. "He's made his choice, Dean. He doesn't want to be a part of this family anymore," he replied sadly before slamming out the front door.

Dean knew that he would be gone for hours, drowning his sorrows at the local bar. That _was _the Winchester way after all. Dean found Sam sitting on his bed, packed duffle next to his feet. He leaned against the doorframe, waiting for Sam to tell him that this was all a lie; that he wasn't leaving. This was what Dean was afraid of when the whole 'normal life' shit started two years ago.

Sam looked up when he sensed his big brother standing in the doorway. He could see the hurt, dispair, and -was that fear?- in his big brother's eyes. "This has nothing to do with you, Dean."

"Yeah? Cause ya know, he ain't the only one you're leaving." Dean wouldn't beg; wouldn't even ask his little brother to stay. This needed to be his choice. If Sam stayed for him, he would grow to hate and resent Dean.

Sam stood up, pulling Dean against his chest. "Come with me." Sam's voice wavered slightly. Didn't Dean realize this wasn't easy for him either? He didn't care about leaving hunting. Or even leaving dad for that matter. But what fucking ached more than anything he'd ever felt was the idea of leaving Dean. Losing his brother and his lover all in one.

Dean looked up, eyes seeking his little brother's. He was now a few inches taller than Dean. Was _still _weird having to look up at Sam. "You know I can't."

Sam shook his head sadly. "Not can't, Dean. Won't. There's a difference." He swallowed thickly. "So is this goodbye?"

Dean looked away from Sam's tear filled eyes. "Guess it is."

Sam leaned forward, gentle kiss placed against Dean's lips. "Please, Dean. I don't wanna lose you. I love you."

Dean felt the tears well in his own eyes that he refused to let fall. "I know, Sammy. Me too. But I just can't."

Sam ran his hands down Dean's back, cupping his ass. "Then say bye to me right?"

Dean looked up at Sam again. "You really tryin' to kill me here, Sam?"

"No. Just want one last time with you," Sam whispered. How was he ever supposed to live without Dean? Couldn't he see that Sam needed him more than their dad did? Dean was the only constant, never changing thing in his whole life. He was Dean's. And Dean was his. He couldn't believe that his big brother was willing to throw away their whole life together -especially the last three years. Sam knew that Dean was it for him. He'd never love anyone the way he loved Dean. And, sure, he was the one leaving but Dean could easily come with him.

Dean was pretty sure that it would have hurt less if Sam had literally ripped his heart out and stomped on it. "Sammy..."

"Shh, Dean. Just. Please." He knew it would hurt them both more in the long run but Sam needed this last time with Dean. Needed to have this one last memory to hold onto when it got too hard to bear.

Dean never was able to deny Sam anything. And he knew that he wouldn't deny him this either. He laid down on Sam's bed, pulling Sam on top of him. He could see the confusion in his little brother's eyes. After their first time, Sam had discovered that he liked Dean to be the one in control.

"You... want me to?"

Dean shrugged, tears prickling his eyes. This time he let them fall. "Only seems right to end where we started," he whispered, voice tight.

Sam gently made love to Dean that night, both hardly saying a word. The tears dried after soft kisses and whispered words of love and apology. Dean fell asleep, Sam curled up against his back. Sam waited until he was sure Dean was asleep before getting up. He placed one last kiss on his big brother's pouty lips and left without a word.

**You know, in almost two years I've never bothered you, never asked you for a thing.**

Dean found himself in California the week before Sam's birthday. He and John would stop by Palo Alto whenever they were close, watching Sam from the shadows. Dean was disappointed that Sam never seemed to notice. Really bad habit to not be aware that he was being watched. Apparently the warm California sun had fried the training right out of his head.

He finished the hunt he was working and found himself at one of those stupid college bars that he hated on May 2nd. Sam's birthday. This definitely called for something stronger than beer. He was on his eight shot when Sam and his friends walked in. Well fuck. He was either too drunk -or not drunk enough- to deal with this. But if Sam noticed him, he didn't show it.

Sam sat with his friends, trying to enjoy his birthday. But it was difficult with the ever present knowledge that Dean was not more than 5 feet away- lurking in the shadows, downing whiskey like they're gonna stop making the stuff tomorrow. He laughed and joked -but it was forced. His smile was fake and never quite made it to his eyes. What the hell was his brother playing at? Two fucking years and now he wanted to show up and _stalk _Sam?

Dean sat and watched his little brother for hours. He was obviously using a fake ID considering that he was only 20 but Dean wasn't surprised. Kid had been drinking since he was 15 thanks to Dean.

Dean was good and drunk by the time Sam and his stupid friends left. He followed them out into the street and all the way to Sam's dorm. Dean hid behind a tree as his little brother said good night to his buddies. Sam waited until they were out of sight before spinning around. "What the fuck, Dean?"

_Busted_. Oh well, no sense pretending any more. "Heya, Sammy. Happy birthday, bro."

Sam sighed. "You're drunk."

Dean shrugged. "And?"

"What are you doing here, Dean?"

"Wanted ta check on ya baby boy." Dean moved closer to Sam, warm hand gripping his hip.

Sam pulled away. "_Two fucking years, _Dean. I've been here for two years. And you never bothered to call or show up." Sam's hands

curled into fists at his side. "You can't just show up and think that we're gonna fall right back into bed."

Apparently two years, a fifth of Jack and Sam blaming _him _for all this was the right combination for Dean's brain to disconnect from the rest of his body. He drew back and punched Sam. "You little prick. _You _left _me_."

Sam stared at Dean for just a moment before punching him back. "I begged you to come with me. You were too busy being dad's perfect little soldier."

Dean punched Sam again. "Someone had to be there to help him."

Sam wiped the blood away from his lip with his thumb. He looked at it for a moment then tackled Dean. "I loved you, you stupid son of a bitch!"

"I gave you everything I could, you ungrateful bastard," Dean ground out as he flipped them over.

"I never asked for it!"

"I did it cause you're my little brother. It's my job, Sam."

"So I was just a job to you?" Sam flipped them back over.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"You never told me that you loved me. I told you all the time. You just said 'me too Sammy'."

"You know that I did." Dean's voice softened a bit.

"Maybe I needed to _hear _it, Dean."

"I do ya know," Dean paused, swallowing thickly. "I still love you," he whispered.

"Two years too late, Dean." Sam got up, leaving his bleeding, broken older brother on the sidewalk.

**All I'm saying is I was totally upfront with you back then, and you nailed me with it.**

Dean left Stanford and Sam behind the next morning. His dad was in Athens, Ohio working a case and Dean was to meet him when he finished in California. His lip still stung where Sam had busted it but that was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.

The drive to Ohio was quiet and uneventful. He met up with John outside the local college that was being haunted by an angry co-ed that had died 20 years before. His dad was interviewing an attractive young girl that looked about his age. "Cassie, this is my son Dean." John introduced them when Dean walked up.

She smiled at him as she held her hand out. "Nice to meet you."

The job took longer than expected and Dean found himself spending all his free time with Cassie. She was fun and feisty and amazing in bed. Dean was actually able to block out the ache in his heart that Sam had left. He couldn't say that he was in love with her; hadn't known her long enough. But he did care about her a lot and could maybe see himself falling in love if given the time.

So needless to say, when the job was done and it was time to move on, saying goodbye was hard. This was the reason that he had never let himself get close to anyone other than Sam. And even that turned out shitty.

"I don't understand why you gotta leave," Cassie sighed, cheek pressed against Dean's shoulder as he ran his hand up her naked back.

"It's hard to explain."

"Try."

For some reason Dean found himself telling her the truth, the _real, whole truth_. About his family, hunting, everything. Except of course for his three year relationship with his little brother.

Cassie pulled away, searching his eyes. He knew that she was looking for the lie or the joke. Knowing that she wouldn't find anything but the truth he steeled himself for the inevitable. "Dean, you want out, you don't have to make up ridiculous stories."

"It's the truth, Cassie. That's why me and my dad where here. The school was haunted."

Cassie got up, pulling the sheet around her naked body. "I think you should leave, Dean."

As Dean drove away from Cassie, he vowed never to let himself get close to anyone again.

**This is my girlfriend, Jessica. **

A few weeks after Dean left, Sam sat in the library close to his dorm. He was still pissed about the out of the blue visit from his big brother. But he hadn't meant what he said that night. He still loved Dean. And it made his heart ache when Dean finally said that he loved him too. But Sam knew that Dean was still determined to be a hunter. And no matter what, Sam was not enough to pull Dean away from that life.

He was so far into his own head that he didn't notice his friend Brady drop down on the couch, arm around his shoulder. "C'mon, Winchester. What's had you in such a shitty mood these last few weeks?"

Sam turned his head to look at his friend -the first real one he'd ever had outside of Dean. "Nothin' man," Sam paused. "So. What's the plan for tonight?"

"Same thing as always. Party, a few bitches. You know the drill."

"I'm not interested." Sam turned back to the book he was trying to read.

"Brady, you ready?" Sam looked up at the sound of a female voice in front of him. His breath caught in his throat. She was a blond beauty; only person he'd ever met that rivaled Dean. Sam felt Brady's eyes on the side of his head. He turned back to see his friend smiling at him.

"Sam, this is Jessica. She and her roommate are going to that party over at the Kappa house." He leaned in a little closer.

"Interested now, Winchester?"

Sam looked back at Jessica, shy smile gracing his face -dimples out in all their glory. "Nice to meet you."

She smiled back at him and Sam thought his heart might just stop or explode -he wasn't sure. "Are you coming with us?"

Sam rubbed the back of his neck; nervous habit that he'd picked up from Dean. "Yeah. Sounds like fun." He could see Brady smirking out of the corner of his eye, not really sure what that look meant.

From that day, Sam and Jessica were pretty inseparable. They moved into a small apartment off campus after a few short months of dating. She was smart, fun loving and open. Sam felt guilty for not being able to share all the aspects of his life with her. But he knew she'd never understand.

The first nightmare of her burning on the ceiling happened the day he went looking at engagement rings.

A/N part deux:

Is this Flagstaff?- **Dark Side of the Moon/The End**

It was the bendiest weekend of my life- **The Kids Are Alright**

Wow. This was like one of the worse nights of my life- **Dark Side of the Moon**

You know, in almost two years I've never bothered you, never asked you for a thing- **Pilot**

All I'm saying is I was totally upfront with you back then, and you nailed me with it- **Route 666**

This is my girlfriend, Jessica- **Pilot/ The Devil You Know**


	2. Seasons 1 thru 3

Title: The Epic Love Story of Sam and Dean  
**Author:**slf630  
**Pairing:** Dean/Sam, mentions of past Sam/Jessica, Dean/Lisa  
**Rating:** NC-17  
**Spoilers/Timeframe:** Seasons 1-3  
**Disclaimer:** It's Kripke's sandbox, I'm just borrowing his toys. I promise to give them back when I'm done. Any dialog from the show belongs to the wonderful people that wrote it.  
**Warnings:** Wincest. Mentions of weecest. Language. Bottom!Sam. Bottom!Dean, Angst like woah (not sure that's really a warning- angst is canon after all)  
**Summary:** A look at Sam and Dean's 'love story'.  
A/N: I took certain events from canon and added a Wincesty twist to chronicle their 'relationship'. Alternating POV's. There is a second A/N at the bottom that details what episodes each section is from or based off of (in case it's not clear- I'm pretty sure they are though.) And I shamelessly ripped Sera Gamble off for the title ;)

Beta-ed by the always wonderful and super supportive sakura_no_mi. With out her this never would have seen the light of day.

**Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days. **

"Easy tiger." Dean's face appeared in the dim moonlight; lips smiling and eyes laughing. 

"Dean? You scared the crap outta me." Sam's brow furrowed in equal parts confusion and anger.

"That's cause you're outta practice."

Sam flipped Dean easily, now staring down into his brother's still laughing eyes. "Or not." Sam tapped Dean twice. "Get offa me."

Sam may not have known initially that it was Dean that had him pinned- but his body did. From the moment it felt the familiar weight and heat, Sam's whole body reacted. Instantly harder than he had been in years. But when Dean's face swam into view and the adrenaline from the fight was replaced with white hot lust, anger took hold as well.

How the hell could his stupid ass big brother think that it was Ok to just break in here; even come here for that matter. After their last clusterfuck of a meeting, Sam was sure he'd never see him again.

Dean felt Sam's erection digging into his hip; matching his own. He knew that he couldn't act on it though. That part of them was over -Sam'd made that perfectly clear in the silence over the last four years; and the split lip from two years ago. But apparently neither of their bodies got the freaking memo.

He was grateful yet overwhelmingly sad when Sam rolled off of him and pulled him to his feet. Even still, standing in the moonlight they were so close. All he had to do was lean forward and his lips would reach Sam's. And he started to do just that; until the questions came.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was looking for a beer." Unable to control himself, Dean grabbed Sam's shoulder, shaking it once before letting his hand fall.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sam repeated, more forcefully.

"Ok. Alright. We gotta talk."

"Uh, the phone?"

"If I'da called, would you have picked up?"

They both fell silent because they both knew the answer. And that's when she turned on the light.

Sam's girlfriend. Pretty blond; curves in all the right places. And suddenly Dean couldn't breathe. He was looking at his replacement. This was the woman that now held Sam's heart. She was Sam's normal. What Dean could never give. So he did the only thing that he could think to do; turn on the charm. Dean listened half-heartedly to the introductions.

"Wait, your brother, Dean?" Hmm. Apparently Sam told her about him.

He smiled at her as he moved closer. "Oh, I love the smurfs. You know, I gotta tell you. You are completely out of my brother's league." Lie. Blatant, bold faced lie. But Dean needed to keep up the act. Couldn't let Sam know this was slowly killing him.

"Just let me put something on." She turned to go.

"No, no, no, I wouldn't dream of it. Seriously." He moved back toward Sam, eyes never leaving her's. "Anyway, I gotta borrow your boyfriend here, talk about some private family business. But, uh, nice meeting you."

"No." Sam moved to stand next to Jessica, arm around her. "No, whatever you want to say, you can say it in front of her."

Dean could easily read the clear 'fuck you' in that move.

Sam stared at his brother as he explained the situation -not really caring one way or another. All he could focus on was the white hot anger. First Dean broke in, then had the audacity to _flirt _with _his _girlfriend right in front of him. That was wrong on too many levels for Sam to even begin to contemplate. Until those fated words tumbled from Dean's mouth and the anger was gone.

"Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days."

Sam felt guilty that he'd chosen his brother over staying to protect Jess. He wasn't surprised by his own actions, just felt guilty. He knew that if it ever came down to _anyone _and Dean- his brother would win. No question; Dean won. Despite what it seemed like, Sam went because Dean asked him to, not to help find their dad. Dean could've done that on his own -whether he wanted to or not. _Yeah, well... I don't want to_. _Those _were the words that got to Sam. _Dean _wanted him there; wanted _him_. And no matter what he'd spent years telling himself, he'd always go when Dean asked.

Leaving Palo Alto wasn't as hard as Sam thought it would be. Jess was dead; she was his only hold on the normal life that he craved so much. But he was back on the road with Dean -as he was always meant to be if he wanted to be honest with himself- heading to the co-ordinates their dad left.

His brother was quiet as he pulled into the first motel he found outside the city. Sam followed him into the room like a wounded pup. Dean turned to look at him. "You Ok?"

Sam laughed bitterly. "Yeah. I'm fuckin' wonderful Dean."

Dean ran a hand over his face. "Don't jump on me. I'm just tryin' to help."

Sam was silent as he watched Dean strip down to his boxer briefs and t-shirt. Dean had been beautiful at 19. Gorgeous at 22. But at 26, he was a fucking Adonis. Sam hated to admit but the life of a hunter, soldier, warrior looked good on his older brother. He was all muscle and grace. Sam's feet carried him across the floor before his brain gave them permission to.

Dean looked up sharply when he realized Sam was _right there_. "Dude?"

Sam grabbed Dean by the back of the neck, lips hovering over his brother's. "I've missed you Dean," he whispered before deepening the kiss.

Dean pulled away. "No. No fuckin' way, bro. The last time I touched you, we ended up in a fist fight. You told me I was too late. Well now you are." Dean swallowed thickly, voice softening. "Man, you're girlfriend just died. You don't want this, Sam."

Sam blinked back tears. "I never stopped wanting it, Dean. I wanted you to come with me. I waited for you for two years."

"You're just confused and upset, Sam. You'll see in time. This isn't what you really want." _And I can't take that risk again,_ Dean thought bitterly.

"Whatever, Dean," Sam mumbled as he fell into his own bed.

**I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam**

"It's never gonna be over. There's gonna be others. There's always gonna be somethin' to hunt."

"But there's got to be somethin' that you want for yourself."

"Yeah, I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam." Dean walked over to the dresser, back to Sam.

"Dude, what's your problem?"

Dean was silent for a while before turning back to Sam. "Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?"

"Cause Dad was in trouble. Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom."

"Yes, that, but it's more than that, man." He returned to the dresser, silent again, before turning back to Sam. "You and me and Dad... I mean, I want us...I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again."

"Dean, we _are___a family. I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before."

Dean looked heartbroken and said sadly, "Could be."

"I don't want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way."

Dean's heart sank at Sam's words. He had been foolish enough to think that Sam had changed his mind; about hunting, about being a family again. About being together. Not for the first time he realized how stupid and selfish it had been for him to go get Sam from school. It had just been _two fucking years _since he had even spoken to his brother. And he'd missed him. God help him, he had missed Sam so fucking bad. And now when this was over he was going to have to watch him walk out of his life again.

Sam hadn't really meant that he didn't want things to go back to the way they were. Not with Dean. He'd missed his brother. But he knew the life and Dean went hand in hand. But Sam _had _meant what he said about hunting. He _wasn't _going to live this life forever.

He stared at Dean for a moment. He tried to get _them _back. Right after they'd finally left Palo Alto. Dean shot him down. Now Dean wanted to have them go back to the way things were? Sam couldn't handle the hot/cold routine. Best to just let it go. A painful reminder of a love that burned so hot and deep that it forever scorched their souls. But one that they could never have again. Sam would always crave normal and safe; Dean would always relish hunting and bar skanks.

**Sam? Marry that girl.**

"I'm telling you, man, I'm sure of it. Painting at the auction house, Dad is lookin' down. Painting here, Dad's lookin' out. The painting has changed, Dean."

"All right, so, you think Daddy Dearest is trapped in the painting? He's handin' out Columbian neckties like he did with his family?"

"Yeah, it seems like it. But if his bones are already dusted, then how are we gonna stop him?"

Dean looked at the photo from the book. "All right, well, if Isaiah's position changed, maybe some other things in the painting changed as well. It could give us some clues."

"What, like a DaVinci Code deal?"

"I don't know, I'm still waitin' for the movie on that one. Anyway, we gotta get back in and see that painting. Which is a good thing because you can get some more time to crush on your girlfriend." Dean laid down on one of the beds.__

"Dude, enough already."

"What?"

"'What?' Ever since we got here, you've been tryin' to pimp me out to Sarah. Just back off, all right?"

"Well, you like her, don't you?" At Sam's silence, Dean continued. "All right, you like her, she likes you, you're both consenting adults…."

"What's the point, Dean? We'll just leave. We always leave."

"Well, I'm not talkin' about marriage, Sam_._"

"You know what, I don't get it. What do you care if I hook up?"__

"Because then maybe you wouldn't be so cranky all the time." Sam scoffed as Dean sat up. "You know, seriously, Sam, this isn't about just hookin' up, okay? I mean, I think this Sarah girl could be good for you. And I don't mean any disrespect, but I'm sure that this is about Jessica, right? Now, I don't know what it's like to lose somebody like that, but…I would think that she would want you to be happy. God forbid, have fun once in a while. Wouldn't she?"

Sam smiled faintly. "Yeah, I know she would," he paused, sighing."Yeah, you're right. Part of this is about Jessica. But not the main part."

"What's it about?" Sam said nothing, merely giving Dean a look. "Yeah, all right." Dean laid back against the headboard. " Well, we still gotta see that painting, which means you still gotta call Sarah, so…."

Dean watched in silence for a moment as Sam stumbled through the beginning of his phone call with Sarah. He knew what Sam was getting at when he said that it wasn't merely about Jess. It was more about Sam's idea that he was cursed somehow and the ghost of their relationship that neither had had the guts to really bring up or deal with.

They both had tried to rekindle things; neither attempt was successful. There was too much hurt and time between them. Dean's musings where cut short by Sam's sudden exclamation about the painting. Guess it would just have to be put on the back burner to once again never be dealt with.

**I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed - then I hope we never find the damn thing.**

Dean paced back and forth, trying to call John on his cell as Sam sat on one of the beds, staring at the floor.

"Come on, Dad. Answer your phone, damn it." He stopped pacing and hung up. "Something's wrong." Sam doesn't answer. "You hear me? Something's happened."

"If you had just let me go in there, I could have ended all this."

Dean moved to stand by his brother. "Sam, the only thing you would have ended was your life."

Sam looked up at him. "You don't know that."

"So, what? You're just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it?"

Sam stood up. "Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right I am."

"Yeah, well, that's not going to happen –not as long as I'm around."

"What the hell are you talking about, Dean? We've been searching for this demon our whole lives. It's the only thing we've ever cared about."

"Sam, I want to waste it. I do, okay? But it's not worth dying over."

"What?"

"I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed -then I hope we never find the damn thing."

"That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom."

"You said it yourself once –that no matter what we do, they're gone. And they're never coming back."

Sam grabbed Dean and slammed him up against the wall, pinning him there. He was angry. So fucking pissed. "Don't you say that! Don't you... not after all this, don't you say that."

"Sam, look... The three of us, that's all we have. And that's all I have." Dean looked up into Sam's eyes, both of them on the edge of tears; faces so close that Dean could feel Sam's heaving breaths. He wanted so badly to move that few inches more and bury himself in his little brother. Everything seemed to be crashing down and Dean was losing control fast."Sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together, man."

They stood just like that for a few heartbeats; chests heaving together, the years together and the memories of _them _passing silently underneath their gaze.

Sam finally let Dean go, patting his chest and smoothing down his shirt. Dean took a shaky breath. "Without you and Dad..."

Sam's voice was tight with emotion as he brought his hand up to his forehead. "Dad. He should have called by now. Try him again."

**You know what? You're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug, and maybe even slow dance. **

Dean was working on the car again as Sam paced nearby. "You were right."__

"About what?"__

"About me and Dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it's too little. It's too late," Sam paused, voice thick with barely contained emotion. "I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all. But neither are you. That much I know," Sam paused again before turning to leave. "I'll let you get back to work."

Sam stopped a few short feet away at the sound of glass breaking. He turned around in time to see Dean take the crowbar to the Impala's trunk for the first time. Sam winced at every following blow -counting silently in his head. _Seventeen_. Sam was surprised when Dean looked over at him; bottom lip quivering just slightly, hazel eyes tortured.

Dean should have been surprised to see Sam standing a few feet away but he wasn't. And he was frankly too tired to give a shit. It wasn't the first time one had seen the other breakdown. And Dean was just so very tired of it all. Having to deal with the shit with Dad, the growing tension between him and Sam, Dad's little confession. It was just too much.

Sam moved back across the junkyard before he even realized he was doing it. All he knew -all he cared about- was that his brother was hurting. He stopped short in front of Dean, not sure what to do once he got there.

Dean looked up at Sam; face still bruised from that damn demon and the car wreck. He was _still _the most beautiful person Dean had ever seen. The air around them practically hummed with tension. Sam had come this far, maybe he could bridge the rest of the distance. Dean moved forward, legs feeling like they had been coated in concrete. He wrapped his arms around Sam's waist, face buried in the crook of his neck. The smell of Sam -of _home_- twisted his already broken heart. This wouldn't solve a damn thing. In fact would probably cause more problems. But damn it, they needed it. At least Dean did. And he was fairly certain Sam did too.

Sam hesitated for only a brief second before wrapping his arms around Dean's shoulders, nose buried in the soft spikes of his brother's hair. They stayed like that for a few precious moments while Sam's mind drifted back to simpler times. He'd missed this with Dean; the touches that were more than brotherly but still somehow oddly fraternal.

Dean pulled away slightly, just enough to look at Sam. They wouldn't talk about this -whatever it turned into. It just wasn't the Winchester way. It would fester below the surface until it exploded again, when they still wouldn't deal with it. Not because they didn't want to; they didn't know _how _to. How could one deal with something that was so wrong in every way yet so right at the same time?

Dean closed his eyes when Sam moved one hand to cup the side of his face; shifting slightly into the touch. He ached for just a small reprieve; just a moment to not feel the overwhelming pain and confusion. "Dean." He opened his eyes again when Sam whispered his name.

Sam gently ran the pad of his thumb over Dean's bottom lip. And for a brief moment he let the dark thought that he'd kept hidden away in the back of his mind intrude on his thoughts. He hated himself for the fact that deep down, he was glad that it wasn't Dean that he'd lost. Losing Dad was terrible -and it hurt. But the idea that it could have been _Dean _was unbearable. And Sam knew he was a terrible son for thinking it; he just couldn't help himself. And holding his brother again drove the point home. He loved Dean. He had never stopped looking at him as more than a brother -was pretty sure the same could be said for Dean. They stood too close, the touches they did share lasted just a bit too long, they stared to hard. And God help him, but Sam needed this. Needed to feel his brother's skin, his pulse, his breath. Needed to assure himself that Dean was _really _alive, despite the fact that he could just look.

Dean licked his lips, tongue trailing across the path that Sam's thumb took. He tightened his grip -fists clenching in Sam's t-shirt like it was a lifeline; the only thing keeping him from going under. And maybe it was. "Sammy." His voice was thick, throat tight with emotion.

"What can I do?" Sam furrowed his brow; praying that just this once his brother would admit to needing help and then actually let Sam provide it.

"Can you make it go away?" Dean whispered. He hated himself more than a little at that moment. This weakness was not something he knew how to deal with. He just knew that he needed Sam to make it better_somehow _-if only for a moment.

Sam shook his head sadly. "No, I wish I could. Maybe I can help though?" Dean needed this -needed _him_. They'd deal with it later -or not, if the past was any indication. Luckily they had the house to themselves for the afternoon, Bobby having gone into town for some reason Sam only half listened to. He leaned in close to Dean, lips ghosting over his. "Come on. Let's go inside. You need a break."

Dean merely nodded as he let his little brother lead him into the house and up the stairs to the guest room they had been sharing, the same one they used as kids. Sam lead him into the small attached bathroom before speaking again. "Take a shower."

Dean narrowed his eyes at Sam. What the hell was he doing? Dean had kinda thought they were coming in here to... well... do other things, not shower. Then he looked down at himself. He was greasy and sweaty from working on the car all morning. So maybe Sam had a point about the shower. Still didn't mean that Dean wanted to be mothered at the moment.

Sam sighed heavily before stripping his own shirt off. Maybe he needed to give Dean a hint. He smiled briefly when Dean's eyes widened in understanding. Sam waited until they were mostly undressed -clad only in their underwear- before turning on the spray. His hands shook a little as they hovered over the waistband of his boxer briefs. But the look that Dean gave him erased what nerves where left at that moment. Sam pulled the cotton briefs down his legs before doing the same with Dean's. They silently got into the shower; bodies pressed close together under the hot stream.

Dean laid his forehead on Sam's broad chest, eyes closed. Neither said anything as they washed themselves and each other; stopping occasionally to kiss and touch. They stayed until the water began to run cold and Dean couldn't help the small smile that escaped when Sam shivered. They wrapped themselves in towels that seemed way too fluffy to belong to Bobby before returning to the bedroom.

Sam sat down on one of the beds, pulling Dean to stand between his spread legs. He buried his face in his big brother's abs, licking, kissing and biting at the flesh and muscle. He wrapped his fingers around the towel, tugging it away from Dean's hips and letting it fall to the floor.

Dean ran a hand through Sam's too long hair, fisting it gently in the back. He shouldn't want this; shouldn't let it happen. They hadn't done this in so long; hadn't talked about it either. But was it really wrong to take the one damn thing in life he'd always needed? His little brother's love and attention. They'd lost their dad, everything was as fucked up as it could be. How the hell could having this one little thing for himself -even if for the moment- make it any worse?

Sam bit down on Dean's hipbone -not hard enough to break skin but hard enough to feel. _Fuck_... he wanted this. Had wanted it for so long. Never stopped if he felt like being truly honest with himself. Deciding for once in his life to not think things to death, Sam wrapped his lips around Dean's mostly hard cock.

Dean's head fell back, neck arching, when he felt Sam's mouth close over his dick. All the blood in his body rushed south so fast it almost made him dizzy. And all the reasons he could think of why they shouldn't or couldn't do this flew out the window. "Sammy..." he moaned as his thumb traced over the corner of Sam's mouth -stretched wide around him.

Sam looked up, hazel eyes meeting for a heartbeat. Suddenly it wasn't enough; Sam needed more. Needed to feel Dean's skin sliding against his, Dean inside him; filling him up inside and out. He released his brother's dick with one last wet lick up the shaft before scooting up further on the bed. "Please... Dean..." Sam all but whined.

Dean stood for a moment; trying to catch his breath at the sight of Sam spread out in front of him. His little brother sure as fuck wasn't little anymore -not that he'd ever really been. But Sam was all muscle now, hard and well defined. The last time he'd seen Sam like this, he'd been lean -muscles just starting to really develop. Sure he'd seen Sam in various stages of undress -between living in such close quarters and having to patch each other up- but it had been along time since Dean really let himself _look_. Look at the seemingly miles of tanned skin stretched over broad muscles. Dean's eyes made it to Sam's face somehow. Almond shaped hazel eyes identical in color to his own, blown wide with lust. Light pink blush tinting his cheeks. Hair still damp and messy where Dean's hand had been in it. Yeah. Ok. Fuck what was wrong and right and what they should and shouldn't do. He was taking this. This one damn thing to ease some of the weight, pain and fear that had settled so deep he feared he would drown.

Sam bit his bottom lip as he watched Dean crawl onto the bed between his spread legs. His breath hitched when one warm calloused hand slid up his thigh. Part of him wanted to drag this out forever -afraid of never having it again. The more demanding part wanted Dean inside him right. The. Fuck. Now. That part won out. "Dean..." he paused, waiting until he had his brother's attention. "Lube?" he breathed.

For one brief moment, Dean felt like himself again. He let his natural smirk slip into place. "In a hurry, baby boy?"

The sight of that smirk drove Sam crazy. It was a glimpse of a Dean he had lost long before this shit with dad. "Yeah. Wanchu..." Sam paused, chest heaving slightly. "Wanchu so fuckin' bad, Dean. Please."

Dean's smirk grew as he leaned down to capture Sam's lips in a quick kiss. "Impatient little bitch," he teased fondly even as he was leaning over the side of the bed to grab the lube out of his bag.

Sam huffed a laugh. "You love it when I'm impatient, jerk."

Dean merely nodded. It was true. He couldn't argue with the fact that knowing Sam was so needy and hot all for him was an incredible turn on -always had been. He quickly slicked up his fingers then his cock, suddenly not wanting to waste time either. He wrapped one hand around Sam's dick as the other one slipped behind his balls. He slowly stroked Sam as he pressed forward with one finger. His eyes slammed shut at the tight heat surrounding his finger. _Fuck_. The thought of being buried in Sam again after all this time was almost enough to make him come right then. Dean breathed in and out deeply a few times before continuing to push into his brother.

Sam's whole body thrummed with heat and pleasure at the feeling of Dean pressing into him. He writhed and moaned as his brother quickly worked up to three fingers; twisting and scissoring, stretching the tight muscle. Sam arched off the bed when Dean's fingers ran over his prostate. "Oh God...Dean..."

The sound of Sam moaning his name went straight to Dean's cock. He gently pulled his fingers away from Sam's body before pulling his legs over his own thighs. He locked eyes with Sam as he moved forward; the head of his dick barely breaching the ring of muscle. "Shit, little brother."

Sam wrapped his legs around Dean's waist, heel digging into his ass. "Please... more..."

Dean grit his teeth and shoved all the way in; only stopping once he was sheathed completely in his brother's tight ass. He bit his bottom lip as his thighs trembled with the effort it took to keep from moving. Sam reached up, wrapping his long arms around his shoulders, pulling him down. Dean moaned when the movement changed the angle. "You Ok?" Sam nodded. "Can I... gotta move, baby boy."

Sam pulled up slightly, lips hovering over Dean's ear. "Fuck me," he purred.

Dean settled his hands next to Sam's head before pulling almost all the way out then slamming back in so hard they shifted up the bed slightly. Sam's blunt nails ran down his back before digging into his ass; urging him on. Dean set a fast, hard pace. The rhythmic slap of skin against skin and their moans were the only sounds in the room. Dean lost track of time as he pounded into Sam over and over again, but it still felt too soon when he felt the stirring of his orgasm building in his stomach. "Sammy..." he moaned. "'m close... touch yourself. Wanna see you come."

Sam wrapped his hand around his own length, strokes matching Dean's thrusts. "Oh God..." Sam moaned as Dean's cock ran over his prostate, back arching off the mattress. Sam locked eyes with his brother. "Dean!" he cried out as he came, ribbons of come streaking his stomach and chest.

Dean watched, mesmerized as always, as his little brother fell apart beneath him. The sight and sound, along with the clenching of Sam's whole body pushed Dean over the edge almost immediately. He growled as he slammed into Sam one last time, coming buried as deep in his brother's body as he could be. "Sammy..." he whispered as he collapsed onto Sam's chest, both of their bodies still trembling slightly.

Sam wrapped his shaking arms back around Dean's shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple. "Dean?"

Dean buried his face in Sam's neck, hot tears stinging behind his eyes that he refused to let fall. "Just..." he paused, clearing his throat. "Just give me a sec, Ok?"

They laid like that for several long moments before Dean gently pulled his softening cock from Sam's body. He fell over onto the other side of the small bed, on his back and with one arm thrown over his eyes. Sam rolled over onto his side, facing Dean, unsure what to do. If this had been _before_, he would have curled into his brother's side and fell asleep. But this wasn't then.

Dean could feel Sam's eyes on him. Without moving the arm from his face, he held the other one out and away from his body; an invitation for Sam to scoot closer.

Sam smiled slightly as he laid his head on Dean's shoulder, one arm thrown across his stomach. He wanted to talk about this; wanted to know what it meant. Was it just the two of them seeking comfort in each other or was it something more? Did he even _want _it to be something more? Did Dean?

"Can hear you thinkin', dude. Just get some rest Ok? We'll deal with it later," Dean mumbled from beneath his arm.

Sam sighed and closed his eyes. He only wished he could believe that they would.

**I just don't know if going to the Roadhouse is the smartest idea.**

Sam listened as Dean softly continued to sing 'Can't Fight This Feeling.' He wasn't in such a hurry at the Roadhouse that he hadn't heard Jo play that song. He should have seen it the first time they had been there. His brother wanted her. And if things had been different; if Dad hadn't just died, he was sure Dean would have already gotten into her pants.

They hadn't talked about what happened at Bobby's; not that Sam was surprised. They also hadn't touched or kissed. Shit, Dean barely looked at him most of the time. Granted there had been the crap with Gordon and the dead chick that broke his arm and Dean's increasingly erratic and dangerous behavior. But there had been time. They could have _made _the time. Sam was still confused about what he wanted himself but he would have at least liked to talk about it.

Dean couldn't get that damn song out of his head. He was attracted to Jo, sure. She was pretty and smart, didn't put up with anyone's shit. And if it was a different time and place, he might see what could become of it. But with everything going on, there was no way he could even think about focusing on a hook up. Then there was the whole issue of him and Sam. He had been waiting for weeks for his little brother to bring it up. Only he hadn't. Which was extremely un-Sam. Maybe it really was just them trying to comfort each other. Falling back on something familiar to try to ease the ache. He wasn't sure if he wanted it to be more. But it seemed that Sam didn't, so he'd left it be. And as much as he didn't want to, he found himself singing that fucking song. Wondering who it was he was singing it for, yet knowing in his heart it wasn't the girl. At least not the girl that wasn't currently in the car. He laughed to himself. Cause Sam was a gigantic overgrown girl. He watched his little brother pout slightly from the corner of his eye; wondering what the bitch face was for this time. Couldn't possibly be because of Jo. Sam didn't want them anymore. Right? Dean couldn't help himself as he sang out loud. 

_"And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight  
You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter night  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might..."_

"You're kidding, right?" Sam glared at the side of Dean's head. __

"I heard the song somewhere, I can't get it out of my head, I don't know, man."

**Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?**

Sam woke up with a groan. It was official- he was _never _drinking again. He looked over to the other bed; relieved but oddly disappointed to not see Dean lying there, snoring lightly.

_Dean_. Shit. Sam had once again made a spectacular ass out of himself the night before. He was just so fucking sick of the destiny crap hanging over his head at every turn. And he'd meant what he said to Dean. It seemed like he couldn't save anyone anymore and it was only a matter of time before Dean payed the price for that.

He knew what asking -_begging_- Dean to kill him had done to his big brother. Sam just didn't understand why Dean couldn't see that ultimately this was the only option. If he was gonna go darkside, Dean would _have _to kill him. What other choice was there? It wasn't like Dean could just let him live and possibly hurt someone -hurt Dean.

Sam's stomach lurched when his fuzzy mind caught up enough to replay the drunken argument with Dean.

_Dean pushed him onto the bed, Sam reached up, clutching Dean's jacket._ __

"No, please! Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise."_  
_  
_"Don't ask that of me."__  
_  
_"Dean, please. You have to promise me."__  
_  
_Dean hesitated for just a beat. "I promise." __  
_  
_"Thanks." Sam grabbed Dean's face with both hands. "Thank you."__  
_  
Sam groaned. He'd damn near kissed Dean. They were so close; faces mere inches apart. And time faded away and Sam found himself feeling like he was a teenager again. And Dean was right there. He could have easily leaned slightly forward and pressed their lips together. Thankfully Dean was stronger than Sam and pushed him away.

Sam wasn't sure whether he was grateful or heartbroken.

**You're bickering like an old married couple.**

Dean stormed into the room. "You think this is funny?"__

Sam barely looked up. "Depends. What?"

Dean yelled, outraged. "The car!"

"What about the car?"

"You can't let the air out of the tires, you idiot! You're gonna bend the rims!" Dean yelled.

"Whoa, wait a minute. I didn't go near your car."

"Oh, yeah?" Dean pulled Sam's money clip out. "Huh. Then how'd I find this?"

Sam stood up. "Hey, give me back my money."

"Oh, no. Consider it reparations for emotional trauma."

"Yeah, very funny. Now give it back." Sam tried to grab the money but Dean pulled it away.

"No."__

"Dean, I have had it up to here with you."

"Yeah, right back at ya."__

Sam tried to grab the money again, but Dean kept it out of reach. Sam kept grabbing, trying to reach around Dean's back. Sam was totally not prepared for them to fall onto the bed, still wrestling.__

"Get off me!' Dean yelled"

"Give it back!"

Sam's breath caught in his throat when Dean shifted back against him, his big brother's ass pressing into his hips. They both froze, Sam's half hard cock riding the crack of Dean's ass.

"Sam?" The anger in Dean's tone was replaced with confusion.

Dean's voice shocked Sam back to reality -helping him remember how to breathe. He took just a second to evaluate their current situation. They were sprawled out on Dean's bed, Sam's arms still wrapped around Dean -who was pressed back against his chest. There is no way to get out of this easily. Sam groaned as Dean started to wiggle again. "Damn it Dean," Sam growled. "Just be still for a fuckin' second." Sam's eyes slid closed once Dean stilled -willing his erection to go away.

He knew that it was impossible though. Even after all this time -his body was _still _hard wired to respond to Dean. The feel, smell, warmth of his big brother burnt through him like fire. They hadn't done this since Bobby's -even longer before that- and Sam would be lying if he said that he hadn't thought about it at least a little. He shook his head slightly, trying to regain the ability to think with his upstairs brain. Until he noticed that Dean had actually listened and had gone completely still but tense in his arms. He felt the quick rise and fall of Dean's chest -almost as if he was panting slightly. "Dean?"

Dean turned toward Sam. He could see the play of confused expressions on his little brother's face -knew they matched his own. _God_. Sam felt so good wrapped around him like this. He'd never admit it -even to himself- but he missed this. And if what he felt against his ass was any indication -Sam was feeling it too. Before his mind could remind him that they don't do this anymore his body took over. He slipped a hand into Sam's hair, urging his head down. He moved slow; giving Sam time to pull away.

The first press of lips was gentle, tentative -almost chaste. They pulled back at the same time -identical hazel eyes wide with shock and more than a little lust, chests heaving slightly. They crashed together on the next kiss; teeth biting, lips bruising, tongues picking up the fight they were having before this. Dean's hand tightened almost painfully in Sam's hair -his little brother merely growled in response. Eager hands ripped at clothes, short fingernails clawed exposed skin.

They broke apart from the kiss again when the need to breathe became too much; lips wet, shiny and swollen from almost brutal kisses. Dean's hand ended up back in Sam's hair -strands tangled and messy around his fingers. Sam's hand found it's way to Dean's hip -gripping so hard there were sure to be finger shaped bruises underneath. Dean was naked from the waist up -Sam's t-shirt rucked up under his armpits. They stared at each other for a moment; a million questions passing unspoken between them. They were obviously still angry but so turned on neither could stand it.

Sam's head dropped to Dean's collar bone -breaking their unintentional staring contest first. He bit down on the soft flesh over bone, tasted the sharp tang of blood burst across his tongue, heard Dean's sharp hiss. "Dean..." Sam moaned against the skin below his lips.

_Fuck_. Dean wanted this. It was almost like a fucked up continuation of the fight they had started. His body hummed with adrenaline and anticipation. He knew they _shouldn't _do it. It would start more problems than it solved. And, of course, Sam being Sam would angst about it after. But Dean was wound so tight he needed to either fight or fuck. And fucking sounded like such a better idea. His brain, _and heart _-although he'd never admit _that _either- were screaming at him to get up, find a bar and a willing chick that he'd never have to see again. But no, his body continued to slightly rock against Sam. _Stupid traitorous body_.

With every ounce of will power he had left, Dean managed to get a hand on Sam's chest -pushing him back slightly. "Sam." Of course, his little brother didn't listen; pressing forward again trying to reattach his mouth to Dean's chest. "Sammy... wait."

Sam actually stopped, looking up with an annoyed huff. "What?"

And Dean knew he was going to sound like a fucking woman but he needed to work this out before they crossed anymore lines they had buried long ago. "What the hell are we doin' here, man?"

Sam smirked. "Thought it was kinda obvious before you stopped me, Dean."

Dean rolled his eyes, lust waning just enough to be annoyed. "You know what I mean, bitch." Dean really wasn't surprised when he was gifted with Sam's famous bitch face.

"You really wanna talk about this _now_?"

"You sure you wanna do this?" Dean was pretty sure at that moment he felt his balls threaten to pack up and move away. His own voice echoed in his head._ No chick flick moments_.

Sam heaved a sigh but his gaze softened just a bit. "If you'd rather go back to fighting, that's fine. But this seems like a better idea." Dean's mouth dropped open slightly. Those were _his _thoughts. And Sam, of all people, was offering a meaningless hook up. "Way I see it, Dean. We both need this. We're so fuckin' on edge right now..." Sam trailed off.

"Yeah but... we... shit, Sam." Dean fumbled. "We haven't done _this _for a long time."

Sam shrugged. "I know. I've been paying attention, Dean." Sam ran his thumb over the indention between Dean's hip and ab muscle. "'m not stupid. I know that this part of us is over... but... sometimes I wish we could just..." Sam cut himself off again. "I'm not looking for things to go back to where they were. But... oh fuck it," Sam muttered before capturing Dean's lips in another bruising kiss.

Any other objections or doubts Dean might have had flew out the window. They both obviously wanted it and Sam had no delusions of what this would be. Even though he kinda sorta wished that they _could _go back; Sam was right. They needed to ease the tension. And Dean thought that maybe if he told himself that enough, he'd start to believe it.

Sam's hand pressing against his cock brought Dean out of his musings. He looked up at Sam; question and a challenge in his almond shaped eyes. "Yeah, Sammy."

And apparently that's all the consent Sam needed. Long slender fingers scrambled to get his jeans undone. Dean lifted his hips enough for Sam to pull denim and his boxer briefs down his legs. Sam pulled away for a moment, pulling off his own jeans and underwear. "Lube?" Sam's voice was low and husky. _God_. Dean missed that voice.

"My duffel," Dean managed to croak out between suddenly dry lips at the sight of Sam naked. He had filled out even more since the last time they'd done this; since the one slip up at Bobby's. He moved to Dean's bag with a confidence that Dean had never seen in his baby brother. He let himself watch as Sam moved with a certain grace that a man his size shouldn't possess. _Fuck_. It was hot.

Sam turned back to Dean, lube clutched in one hand, to find his brother staring at him. He had a momentary freak out. Could he really do this and pretend that it meant nothing? What did he _want _it to mean?He knew that this was probably the one and only time he'd get to be with Dean again and he had to take it. The urge and the want had been growing stronger since the almost drunken kiss in Connecticut. Then the whole fiasco with Meg and Dean's absolute refusal to kill him even after everything the demon did while she was riding around in his skin. Sam had hoped that Dean's reluctance was more than his twisted sense of duty and big brother protectiveness. Maybe this was a sign that it _was _more. But on the other hand, Dean agreed that this would be more like a one night stand. Sam decided as he walked back toward the bed that he'd take what he could get at this point. He knew he'd never love anyone else the way he did Dean. So he'd let himself have this; even if it tore his heart apart after.

When Sam was close enough to touch, Dean wrapped one arm around is waist, pulling Sam back onto the bed. He licked and bit at Sam's jaw before moving down to his throat. He wanted to get back to the frantic pace they had set before all the emo bullshit. He bit down roughly on Sam's pulse point -taking full advantage of his little brother's biting kink. Sam growled low in his throat before pulling Dean on top of him. As Dean slicked up three fingers, he continued to suck and bite his way down Sam's chest, abs and hips. He sunk his teeth into the soft flesh on the inside of Sam's hipbone as he pressed his index finger into Sam. The younger hunter hissed slightly but arched his back; hips rocking down onto Dean's finger. "Fuck..." he moaned.

Dean closed his eyes briefly at the first feel of tight warm muscle clenching around his finger. _Jesus Christ_. His cock twitched when he thought about being buried in Sam again. Trying to keep up with the got-to-have-you-now pace, Dean quickly pulled out and pressed back in with two fingers -twisting and stretching Sam. His little brother moaned loud and long. "Shit... Dean... more." Dean licked the underside of Sam's cock as he pushed in with three fingers, tips brushing Sam's prostate at the same time Dean swallowed most of his cock in one stroke. "Holy fucking hell," Sam cried as he writhed under Dean. The elder Winchester smirked around the mouthful of Sam's dick. _Oh yeah_. He still knew how to make Sam crazy.

Sam was on sensory overload. Between his brother's sinfully talented cock sucking lips and his fingers stretching him and running over his prostate -he was afraid he wouldn't last until the main event. He grabbed as much of Dean's hair as he could, pulling Dean away from his straining dick. Dean looked up at him - eyes damn near pitch black. "Whaddya want, Sammy?" And _God_, did Sam love the way Dean's voice sounded after his cock had been shoved down his throat.

"Fuck me," Sam growled. He watched for just a moment as Dean pulled his fingers free and slicked up his own thick cock. Sam rolled over onto his hands and knees, ass hovering in the air. He felt Dean place a tentative hand on his hip. They had never done it this way; Sam always preferring to see Dean. But he wanted it hard and fast -just this side of brutal. And knew that if they were face to face it would end up being loving and tender. Sam couldn't handle that. He looked over his shoulder at Dean, another clear challenge in his eyes. "Fuck me," he repeated.

Dean scooted forward between Sam's spread legs, dick barely pressed against his entrance. He ran his hand up the long muscled expanse of Sam's back - loving the feel of those muscles under his hand. He gripped Sam's shoulder with his left hand, his right wrapped around his own length. With one long thrust he was buried in Sam balls deep. "_Jesus fucking Christ,_ Sam. So fuckin' hot and tight." He stayed still for a moment, as much to enjoy the feeling of being in Sam again as to let Sam adjust. He bit his own lip until he tasted blood to keep from crying out when Sam rolled his hips forward then back -fucking himself on Dean's rock hard dick. He grabbed Sam's hips, calloused fingers digging into muscle, bone and soft skin hard enough that he knew Sam would wear his bruises for days at least.

Sam rocked back onto Dean again before groaning through gritted teeth. "Just fucking _do it_."

Dean pulled out almost all the way before slamming back in. Sam threw his head back, mouth open on a silent moan. He set a fast, dirty, rough rhythm; hips slapping against Sam's ass so hard it damn near stung. He knew he'd hit his little brother's prostate when Sam collapsed forward onto his chest -arms no longer able to hold him up. Dean smirked. "Like that little brother? Want me to fuck you so hard you can't sit right for a week?" He leaned down, chest laying on Sam's back. He bit down on Sam's shoulder blade before whispering against the broken skin. "Touch yourself, Sammy. Wanna hear you scream my name while you come."

Sam gasped when his own hand wrapped around his cock. He was achingly hard; precome oozing from the slit. He stroked himself in time to Dean's thrusts, his own rhythm as brutal as Dean's. He moaned when Dean bit down on the back of his neck. "Talk to me baby boy," Dean purred.

"Oh fuck... Dean... feels so fuckin' good," he moaned. "Come on. Give it to me big brother. Fuck me... hard and fast."

Dean could hear the challenge again in Sam's tone. He pulled all the way out, slamming back in so hard and fast Sam was pushed up the bed. "That how you want it baby brother?" he panted.

"Fuck yeah," Sam cried out. He felt the familiar tingle of his approaching orgasm. "Shit... gonna come, Dean."

Dean angled his hips, cock dragging over Sam's prostate on every thrust. "Do it, Sammy. Come for me, little brother."

Sam's whole body tensed; Dean's name a rough cry ripped from his lips as he came -release spilling over his hand, stomach and the sheets. Dean lightened his strokes, arms wrapping around Sam's waist, rocking him through the intense trembling aftershocks. Once he could actually breathe again, Sam reached back, large palm gripping Dean's thigh, blunt fingernails digging into the muscular flesh.

The last quivering contractions of Sam's ass drove Dean over the edge with the need for his own pleasure. Hips resuming his frantic pace, Dean pumped into Sam a handful of times before he tensed. "Fuck... Sammy," Dean moaned against the skin of Sam's neck as he came buried deep within him.

Sam's legs were shaking with the exertion of holding both Dean and himself up after such a mind blowing orgasm. He finally collapsed, Dean landing on his back. Dean took just a moment to lay with Sam wrapped in his arms for the first time in almost a year. He rubbed his cheek against the sweat damp hair at the back of Sam's neck, smell of sex, sweat, and _Sam _making his heart constrict. They laid like that until their breathing evened out and their heart rates returned to normal. With a small sigh, Dean carefully pulled out of Sam; falling onto the other side of the bed. Sam had his head turned away from Dean, face buried in his arms. Dean rolled onto his side, tentative, trembling hand hovering over the small of Sam's back. He ached to touch; to pull Sam back against his chest and never let go. Instead he got up and grabbed a warm wet wash cloth from the bathroom. He stopped at his duffel, grabbing the first aid kit before sitting down on the edge of the bed near Sam's hip. His little brother's eyes were closed; Dean knew he was awake though.

Dean winced as he took in the various bite marks and scratches down Sam's back -knew there were some on the front too. He gently ran the wet cloth over the already drying blood before opening the first aid kit. Sam was silent the entire time Dean cleaned and dressed the marks. Luckily none of them were deep or serious enough to require more than some anti-biotic ointment. When he was finished with Sam's back, Dean nudged Sam's hip with his knee.

"Turn over." His voice was soft, gentle. Sam did as he was told; flipping to lay on his back. Dean repeated the same cleaning and treating process to the marks on Sam's neck and chest before wiping Sam's come from his hand and stomach then his own that had begun to leak down Sam's thighs. He stood up, wiped himself quickly before grabbing his boxer briefs, sitting back down next to Sam once he had them on. Sam lay with one arm thrown over his eyes, the other limply at his side. Dean gently pulled Sam's arm down -hazel eyes meeting and holding for a few heartbeats. Dean frowned slightly. "Sorry about... ya know."

He waived with his hand to indicate the marks. "Not sure what got into me," he practically whispered.

Sam tilted his head slightly, eyes searching Dean's face. His lips were still shiny and kiss swollen. There were teeth marks on the bottom one where Sam then Dean himself bit down on it. His cheeks where tinged a light pink making the freckles across his nose and cheekbones stand out. He was gorgeous. "'s alright, Dean," Sam whispered back, voice strained. "Wasn't just you."

"You Ok though?" Dean furrowed his brow. He'd never been that rough with anyone, especially Sam. And he worried that he'd taken it too far.

Sam smiled slightly, dimples barely showing. "Yeah. Gonna be sore tomorrow, but yeah."

Dean brushed the sweaty bangs off Sam's forehead before dropping a kiss against the skin. "'m sorry," he murmured, lips still pressed against Sam.

Sam reached up, large palm cupping Dean's cheek for a moment. He could feel the stubble pricking the skin of his hand. "Wasn't just you," Sam repeated.

They got dressed in silence, both trying to not look or not get caught looking. Bobby'd be there soon and they needed to figure out this crazy ass case.

It wasn't til after Bobby had gotten into his truck back at the motel after they staked the Trickster that things caught up to Sam. They had just walked back into the room, Sam looking to the rumbled sheets then to Dean's face. "Think it was the Trickster's mind games that caused us to... ya know?" He flailed his arm at the bed.

Dean looked thoughtful for a moment. It _was _a possibility. He'd never felt that kind of raw animalistic need to mark and claim anyone like he had with Sam earlier. In some ways it was more brutal than their fight had been. "Suppose it's possible."

Sam nodded once, small frown settling on his face. "Guess it makes sense. He had us believing all kinds of shit. Made us believe we wanted that too." Sam's voice was flat, emotionless -meanwhile his heart was crying out that wasn't true. On some base level it _had _to have been them. It was just easier to blame the Trickster than face what they did to each other; and how much they enjoyed it. And how much Sam wanted it again.

Dean pursed his lips, nodding his head as well. "Yeah. Guess so," he paused, clearing his throat. "So... we're Ok then, right?" Dean put on his best Dean Winchester mask -couldn't let Sam see that while the damn Demi-God may have enhanced it, he had wanted it. _Still _wanted it.

"Yeah, Dean. We're fine." Sam knew he was lying. Knew that Dean knew he was lying. Knew that Dean was lying too.

**Sam, look out!**

Dean slid to the ground in front of Sam, fists clenching his jacket, trying to keep him conscious.__

"Sam!"

Sam fell forward onto Dean's shoulder."Whoa, whoa, Sam. Sam! Hey! Come here. Let me look at you." He pressed his hand over Sam's wound, his entire palm in covered in blood.

"Hey, look at me. It's not even that bad. It's not even that bad, all right? Sammy? Sam! Hey, listen to me. We're gonna patch you up, okay? You're gonna be good as new. I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take you care of you. I've got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother? Sam? Sam! Sammy!" he babbled, hands smoothing continuously over Sam's face, through his hair.

Dean watched with horror as Sam's eyes slid shut, entire body slumping forward. "No. No, no, no, no. Oh, God." Dean cried, tears streaming down his face as his little brother died in his arms. "Sam!" Dean let out one final, primal scream.

He was still clutching Sam's lifeless body when Bobby came running back toward them. The older hunter stopped short, eyes wide in shock and horror. "Oh God. Dean."

Dean looked up, eyes catching Bobby's finally. "Bobby..." he whimpered.

Dean ran his hand over the back of Sam's head, fingers snagging in the tangled wet strands of hair, the weight of it finally settling in. _Sam _was dead. Sam was _dead_. _His Sammy_... Oh God. Somehow without losing his grip on his little brother's body, Dean turned his head enough to puke.

The most important person in this world had just been ripped from him because was literally seconds too late to stop it. His little brother, best friend, partner in crime, _still_ the love of his fucking life -_soul mate _his brain added unhelpfully- was gone. Not gone like he was at school or the numerous times the little shit had run away. And Dean felt the loss like Sam had been literally ripped out of his heart and soul. The pain was physical as well as emotional. It would have hurt less to cut out his vital organs with a dull butter knife with his own hand.

Bobby tried to pull Sam away, Dean clung harder. He couldn't let go; not yet -_not ever_, again his brain pointed out unwantedly. The force of realization that he never stopped loving Sam in the decidedly non-brother way hit him hard enough to make his stomach lurch again. With the exception of the incidents at Bobby's and then with the Trickster, he'd denied those feelings for so long; thought it was for the best. But he couldn't deny anymore.

It was like being split in two again when Bobby finally pulled Sam's lifeless body away. Dean merely stared at the stupid long floppy hair that felt like silk when his fingers ran through it. Normally expressive eyes that had been able to see through him his entire life closed as if in sleep. Arms and hands that have hit him, put him back together, held him, protected him as much as he protected Sam, hung limp.

How the hell did anyone expect Dean to survive? Twenty three and a half years of loving, teaching, nurturing, _loving _this one being more than his mind was even able to understand. All he'd ever been was Sam's big brother. There was no Dean without Sam.

**Well, then let it end! **

"I couldn't let him die, Bobby. I couldn't. He's my brother. " Dean tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall.__

"How's your brother gonna feel when he knows your going to hell? How'd _you _feel when you knew your dad went for you?"

"You can't tell him. You can take a shot at me. Whatever you got to do, but please don't tell him."

It had never really been a question in Dean's mind. He'd die for Sam. Sam was his entire world. And there was no way that he could stand to live in a world without his little brother. And he knew he was a selfish bastard, couldn't bring himself to really care. Sammy would live. He would have a life. Dean shouldn't even be alive. He'd meant what he said to Bobby. At least now his life could mean something. Sam was always meant for so much more. Certainly meant to at least make it to his 24th birthday. Even if the decision had been made in the heat of the moment, he didn't regret it at all. Sam was stronger than him; Sam would move on.

For a moment when Sam woke up, he thought he was still in Cold Oak. His face and shoulder throbbed and it felt like someone was trying to pull his spine out through his skin. Getting up as gingerly as he could manage, Sam pulled his shirts up- trying to see what was wrong with him. All he could see was a relatively healed pink scar. _What the fuck_? He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Dean's half whispered. "Sammy?"

"Hey." He turned to Dean. The expression on his big brother's face was almost indescribable. An odd mix of awe, relief, love, and _fear_?- played across Dean's features. Sam was totally blind-sided by the damn near bone crushing hug. He wanted to hug Dean back but his shoulder protested loudly to the sudden pressure. "Ow. Uh, Dean..."

Dean reluctantly but instantly dropped his arms at the first hint of pain from Sam."I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm just...I'm just happy to see you up and around, that's all. Come on, sit down."

Really, Sam's first and second clues that _something _was wrong should have been _Dean's _reaction to seeing him and that hug. But, no, it was _Jake's _reaction that drove home the fact that something happened. And Sam intended to get to the bottom of it.

Dean was still riding high from -_Goddamn fucking finally_- killing the demon that in one way or another had cost him his entire family; along with a sweet, pretty blond that didn't even know that nightmare things existed.

They were walking toward the Impala -away from Bobby and Ellen- when Sam broached the subject. "You know, when Jake saw me...it was like he saw a ghost," he paused. "I mean, hell, you heard him, Dean. He said he killed me."

Dean stopped as he went to open the door to the Impala. "I'm glad he was wrong."

"I don't think he was, Dean. What happened...after I was stabbed?"

"I already told you."

"Not everything."

"Sam, we just killed the demon. Can we celebrate for a minute?" Dean turned pleading eyes to his brother.

"Did I die?" Sam's voice was soft but tight with emotion.

"Oh, come on."

"Did you sell your soul for me, like Dad did for you?" Tears were beginning to pool in Sam's eyes.

"Oh, come on! No!"

"Tell me the truth," Sam paused. "Dean, tell me the truth."

"Sam..." Dean shook his head but refused to meet Sam's eyes.

Sam's voice broke. "How long you get?"

"One year. I got one year," Dean finally answered. Sam blinked back tears.

"You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?"

"Don't get mad at me." Dean turned fully to face his brother. "Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job." Dean's voice was rough, his own emotions barely being kept at bay.

"And what do you think my job is?"

"What?"

"You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's_ nothing _I wouldn't do for you." Sam tried to express all that his brother meant to him with those words. "And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change."

"Yeah." A small smile played on Dean's lips as he swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat.

**Gumby Girl... does that make me Pokey?**

"Remember that road trip I took, uh... gosh, about eight years ago now? You were in Orlando with dad wrapping up that banshee thing."__

Sam smirked slightly. "Yeah. The five states, five-day - "

"Well, kind of. Although I spent most of my time in Lisa Braeden's loft."  
*

Sam slammed the door to the room Dean dropped him off at. Slammed may not be the right word. Tried to rip the damn thing off the hinges would be a better description. _Fucking Dean_.

_Of course _Sam remembered that road trip. He also remembered what happened _after _that trip. What he _hadn't _known was what Dean had been up to while he was 'thinking about things'. Granted at the time Sam had said that he didn't care but that was before he _knew _that Dean had spent the weekend with someone else.

Sam rarely got upset or angry about their past. It was what it was. They had tried again -it didn't work. But sometimes when it seemed that Dean just didn't remember _at all_; it hurt.

Sam _knew _that part of them was over. And mostly that was okay. He'd just kind of thought after Cold Oak and the deal... He'd been stupid enough to think that was Dean saying that he still loved him. Cause truthfully? He didn't know any other siblings that would willingly sell their soul for the other. But Dean did. And Sam had no doubt that he would do the same. That had to mean _something_, right?

**Dude, how many Tuesdays did you have?**

Dean noticed the tense set of Sam's shoulders and the white knuckle death grip he had on the steering wheel. They had been driving for hours but were still somewhere in Florida. "Can we stop and eat?" And Dean would deny the whine in his own voice until his dying day.

"Once we're in Georgia." Sam's voice was as tense as his shoulders, eyes never leaving the road.

Dean knew that there was more to the story than what Sam had said. He also knew that he'd never get anything out of Sam in his current mood. But Dean was determined that when they _did_ get to Georgia, he'd get the truth out of Sam one way or the other.

A few more hours and the sun had set when they crossed the Florida state line. Dean could see Sam relax slightly. "Pull over."

"What? Thought you were hungry."

"I am but... just... please pull over, Sam."

Sam did as Dean asked, pulling the Impala to a stop on the side of the deserted one lane road. Dean sighed as Sam sat, still clenching the wheel, eyes still trained out the front window. "Alright, enough of this shit, Sam. What aren't you telling me? Did something else happen?" Dean turned toward Sam, left knee bent and resting on the leather bench seat.

Sam continued to stare out the window at the dark sky. It had started to rain, the moon mostly covered by clouds now. "Told you already."

"Not all of it," Dean paused. "Just talk to me, Sammy. Please."

The tender tone of his brother's voice broke Sam -which was amazing in itself considering Sam didn't think there _was _anything left to break. Turning wide, tear-filled eyes to Dean, Sam sighed. "A hundred Tuesdays. I couldn't stop it. Then we found the Trickster and he agreed to stop. And it was Wednesday, but you still died. Only this time I didn't wake up and start all over again. You were dead for six months before I found him and begged him to give you back to me."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Sammy."

"Was a lesson. I can't save you. That is what it's gonna be like when you're gone for good." Tears pooled in Sam's eyes. "Made me realize that I never stopped loving you," he finished brokenly, almost a whisper.

"Sam..." Dean's voice broke Sam out of his thoughts and what he muttered hit him full force.

"I...I can't," Sam whimpered as he wrenched the door open and took off walking into the night.

Dean watched for a moment as Sam's long legs ate up the yards in front of the car. By the glow of the headlights he could see the strong line of his brother's shoulders and back, tapering in slightly to a lean waist. His eyes traveled over the tight perfect ass that seemed to fit in the palms of his hands as if it was made for no other purpose. Dean was spurred into action though as he watched Sam crumble to the ground, head hanging low between broad shoulders. Dean was out of the car and moving at a dead run before it even registered. He ground to a stop slightly in front of Sam, knees sliding in the mud. Cupping Sam's face between his hands, Dean forced his head up. "Sam? Sammy? Come on. Talk to me." Visions of Cold Oak hit Dean like a freight train. Same scenario -Sam falling to his knees, Dean running and sliding to catch him.

"'m sorry, Dean. Please stay with me for whatever time there is left. I didn't mean to say that. Won't say it again."

Dean moved one hand up, pushing Sam's wet bangs off his forehead, then tangling it in the hair at the back of Sam's head. He tugged the hair gently, raising Sam's head up. "It's OK."

"I can't," Sam repeated.

"Can't what?'

"Can't stop this. Can't save you. Can't live without you."

Dean wiped away the few tears mixed with rain that broke loose with the pad of his thumb. Desperate to give his little brother a small amount of peace and reassurance, Dean leaned forward. Before his conscience could catch up with him, he brushed his lips across Sam's.

The kiss was gentle, meant to soothe, but as skin met skin, both felt the passion burn in their stomachs and run down their spines like lightning. Amazingly, Sam recovered first and pulled away. "Please. Don't do that."

Dean's brow furrowed in confusion. "But, you said..."

Sam cut him off. "Don't do it because you think it's what I want. You made your feelings pretty clear the last time."

"'m not, Sammy." Dean shifted closer, chest and hips pressed together, mouth still hovering over Sam's. Sam could feel Dean's warm breath as it ghosted over his lips. Sam's eyes slid closed as Dean laid his forehead gently against his. "Been thinkin' bout this for awhile now."

Sam's eyes snapped open. "When?"

Dean sighed. "Cold Oak." _Never stopped_, was what Dean wanted to say.

Sam pulled away and got to his feet, pacing in front of where Dean still knelt. "Why didn't you say anything then? Or in the _eight months _since?"

Dean got up and tried to reach for Sam -who only pulled away and stalked back towards the car. Dean caught up to him, pinning his chest to the passenger's side door. "Thought it would be easier this way, Sam. Didn't want to hurt you any more than I already am." Dean wrapped his arms around Sam, palms flat against his chest. "Thought that if you knew, you'd leave me. I just wanted to spend my last year with you."

Sam let his head drop back to lay on Dean's shoulder. "Why do we keep doing this, Dean?" The time had come, they _had _to talk about this. They'd put it off for too long.

"Doin' what?"

"Keep coming back to this, but fighting it so hard. Why do we keep hurting each other like this?" Sam's voice was small, almost child-like.

Dean kissed the side of Sam's neck. "Never meant to hurt you, baby boy. Thought I was doin' what was best for you. Always have. 's my job right?"

Sam turned his head slightly, giving Dean more skin to kiss. "What do _you _want, Dean? Stop worrying about tryin' to do what you think is best for me. Cause honestly? What's best for me has always been you."

Dean felt his face flush, unable to deny anymore what they felt for each other. The elder Winchester knew that they had both been lying to themselves and each other for years. Not for the first time, he missed the way they were before Sam left for school. They had no secrets then. Even at the tender ages of 15 and 19, they knew what they wanted and went for it full tilt. They loved fiercely and so completely that sometimes Dean feared they would drown in the intensity of it. Sometimes it scared him, how much he had needed -_still_ needed- Sam. Dean wasn't sure if he believed in the whole 'soul mates' thing but if there was such a thing, he was pretty damn sure that Sam was his. "God, Sammy..."

Sam realized that his once absolute hatred of that name faded over time -especially when Dean freaking _moaned_ it like that. "Yeah, Dean?"

"Just want you," Dean purred as he placed another open mouthed kiss to Sam's bared neck. "All of you." A gentle bite this time had Sam panting. "Never stopped." Sam turned in Dean's arms, crushing their chests together. Dean raised one eyebrow as Sam began to paw at his soaked leather jacket, trying to remove it. "Sam? Let's find a room."

Sam shook his head. Dean could see the raw lust turning Sam's eyes dark, hazel barely visible. "No. Can't wait. Right here."

Dean knew what it meant when Sam started to not be able to speak in complete sentences. "Dude. Public? In the rain? Two guys? _In Georgia_?"

"Damn near deserted road. So dark I can barely even see _you_. And, fuck yeah, the rain."

Dean almost forgot that Sam had a thing for rain. He lost count of the number of times Sam would drag them off to some secluded spot at the first hint of a storm. He chuckled slightly at the memories, earning a glare from Sam. "What's so funny, Dean?"

Dean shrugged as he ran his hand through Sam's wet hair. "Just forgot how much you like the rain." He looked up into Sam's eyes, the intensity of the lust and love there causing Dean to shiver a bit. "You sure about this, Sam?"

Sam ran his hands down Dean's sides, clutching at his hips, pulling their bodies closer together. Sam made a point of rolling his own hips slightly forward. Dean could feel the hard line of his little brother's cock pressing against his own. "Does it feel like I'm unsure, Dean?"

Dean moaned at the raw gravelly tone of Sam's voice. He knew more times than not, that voice alone was his undoing. "'m serious here, Sam. We only got about four months left, man. Won't this make it harder?"

Sam's fingers tensed around Dean's hipbones. "No matter how we spend these last months... I love you no matter what, Dean. If we don't act on this, it doesn't change the facts. Nothing is gonna make this any easier or any harder. I'm just tired of fighting it all the damn time," Sam finished on a sigh, tears threatening to spill again.

"I know, Sammy. I know," Dean soothed as he cupped the side of Sam's face with his free hand, kissing him gently before pulling away from the circle of Sam's arms.

Sam watched through hooded eyes as Dean stripped off his leather jacket and placed it on the hood of the car. They never broke eye contact as Dean's over shirt and t-shirt were removed next and thrown on top of the jacket. The rain ran in rivulets down Dean's broad shoulders, over muscular chest and abs. That sight was why Sam loved the rain so much. Because, _fuck_, wet Dean was extremely hot.

Dean smirked as he saw Sam press down on his crotch with the palm of his hand. He let his own hand wander down his stomach to the button of his jeans. The elder brother made a show of unbuttoning it and lowering the zipper just a bit. He stood with his feet spread shoulder width apart, arms loose at his sides, his jeans undone to form a perfect V that showed off the top of his black boxer briefs. Sam pushed down on his dick again as Dean cocked his head to the side slightly, licking his lips. "See somethin' you like, baby boy?"

Sam growled as he launched toward Dean. Wrapped in long arms before he could blink, Dean was shocked when Sam flipped their position and he found himself with his back pressed against the door of the car. "You're a fucking tease, you know that?"

Dean shook his head. "Not a tease, little brother. I follow through on my promises."

Sam leaned in, mouth hovering over Dean's. "Prove it."

Any lingering thoughts of denying this or stopping it flew out the window. Dean surged forward, crushing his lips against Sam's. The kiss was wet and dirty, lips, teeth and tongues battling for dominance. Hands groped everywhere they could. Dean pulled away when the need for oxygen threatened to make him pass out. "Too many clothes, Sam."

Sam smirked at Dean. "Maybe you should do something to fix that, Dean." His voice was calm but still deep with lust.

Dean cocked an eyebrow at Sam. Normally, Sam was the more submissive of them. But it seemed as though that wasn't the case at that moment. And Dean really had to admit, cocky, demanding Sam was kinda hot. Ok so not kinda, extremely fucking hot was more like it. "I think that can be arranged."

Sam stepped back just enough to give Dean room to take his clothes off. "Then do it."

Dean would deny later the fact that his fingers trembled just slightly as he ripped Sam's jacket, over shirt and t-shirt off -throwing them on the hood next to his own. He was a little out of his element here. He was used to being the dominant, take charge one. The idea of Sam taking control -taking _him- _hadn't crossed his mind. But now that it was there, Dean was definitely on board with it.

Sam's boots and jeans came next, although Dean didn't really remember doing it. Sam moved forward again, dropping to his knees in front of Dean. The younger Winchester removed Dean's boots first, then sat up slightly, face right in Dean's crotch. Dean watched in fascination as Sam took the zipper of his jeans between his teeth, pulling it the rest of the way down. He was aware of Sam's long fingers curling around the top of the denim and cotton boxers but was still a little surprised when Sam pulled them off.

Working solely on auto-pilot, he raised one foot them the other, letting Sam remove them the rest of the way. He cupped the sides of Sam face, fingers wrapped in too long, dripping wet hair. He moaned when Sam looked up at him as he licked a stripe up the underside of his dick. He wanted to throw his head back and moan but was unable to break the hypnotic stare as Sam suckled at the tip. They never broke eye contact as Sam began to bob up and down along his length. Dean could feel the stirrings of his orgasm already pooling low in this stomach. "Sammy... God, you gotta stop that... 'm close."

Sam's eyes slid shut for a brief moment as he hummed his approval. Dean tightened his hold on Sam's head, hips jerking forward. Sam relaxed his jaw and let Dean fuck into his mouth. "Fuck Sam... gonna..." was all the warning Sam got before Dean grunted, orgasm tearing through his body like fire. Sam moaned as the sweet salty flavor of Dean's release filled his mouth. He pulled away and swallowed, a smirk gracing his features again as he stood up. Dean's arms felt like lead as he reached for Sam, pulling him in for a kiss. "Jesus, little brother," was all he could manage.

Sam kissed Dean again, sharing his flavor with him. He pulled away for just a moment to remove his own boxer briefs. He ran his hands down Dean's back, cupping his ass in his large hands. "My turn," he growled.

Although Dean had pretty much knew that this was the way it was gonna go, he was still nervous. He had only bottomed twice, their first time and the night Sam left for school, in fact. It was good, but just not an experience he thought he'd ever have again, or even _want_ to have for that matter. Still though, for some reason, right then, it felt right. Sam had given himself time and time again, maybe it was time for Dean to do the same. He found himself nodding. "Yeah. Do it." He didn't miss the brief moment that Sam's cocky new attitude faltered just slightly. Dean kissed Sam once more before turning around, pressing his chest against the rain cooled metal. He looked over his shoulder at Sam. "Wanchu, Sammy. Do it."

Sam's eyes snapped to Dean's. "Uh OK. So... lube?"

"My duffel."

When Sam came back from the trunk, Dean noticed that Sam's hands trembled as he opened the bottle and poured some in his hand. Try as he might, the real Sam would always shine through. "Sam. You OK?"

Sam kissed the back of Dean's shoulder as he molded their bodies back together. "Fuckin' nervous, Dean. Want this, want _you_, so much but..."

"What?"

"Only done this twice." Dean could feel the heat of Sam's blush against his back.

Dean turned back around, pulling Sam into his arms. "It's Ok, Sam. 's just me. No need to be nervous."

"I don't wanna hurt you."

Dean smiled. "You won't. It'll be fine." He turned back around and wagged his ass at Sam a little, a smirk playing on his lips.

Sam rolled his eyes but gripped Dean's hip in his left hand. He watched Dean as he slowly circled the ring of tight muscle with the tip of his finger before pushing in. Dean hissed at the first feeling of intrusion. "Dean?"

"'m OK."

They both gritted their teeth as Sam pushed all the way in. He paused letting Dean adjust before wiggling his finger just a bit. Sam smiled when he hit Dean's prostate, causing the older man to moan loudly, arching his back. Slowly, Sam worked up to two fingers then three, all the while making sure to stroke over the tiny bundle of nerves. Dean was moaning and writhing beneath Sam, cock hard again and begging for attention. "'m ready, Sammy... please just do it."

Sam pulled his fingers out and slicked up his cock. He pulled Dean's hips back slightly, angling him to make up for the height difference. Placing one soothing hand on Dean's back, he gripped himself with the other and pressed forward. He stopped when Dean tensed as just the tip of his dick breached the ring of muscle. "Relax, Dean. It'll be good in a minute. I promise."

Dean breathed in through his nose then out his mouth, forcing himself to relax. Sam moved another inch as he felt the tension ease. The slow slide and burn was killing Dean. "_Fuck_... this slow shit is killin' me. Just... _do it_."

Sam nodded once and shoved all the way in. Dean groaned deep in his throat, the full feeling overwhelming. Sam gripped his hips tight, hard enough to bruise. Dean could feel Sam's legs trembling with the effort to be still. "You Ok, Dean?"

"Yeah. _Move,_ Sammy."

Sam pulled almost all the way out then slammed back in, moaning when he bottomed out -balls resting against Dean's ass. After a few awkward strokes, Sam found a nice rhythm, Dean rocking back to meet him. He threw his head back. "Fuck, Dean..."

"Harder, Sam," Dean moaned. Sam hesitated for just a moment before slamming into Dean. He shifted just a bit, cock dragging over Dean's prostate. "Shit... do that again," he panted.

Sam aimed for that spot on every stroke. He reached around, wrapping one large hand around Dean's dick, pumping in time with his thrusts. All to soon, he felt the beginning of his orgasm, balls drawing up tight against his body. "Jesus... gonna come, Dean."

"Me too," Dean moaned as Sam sped up his thrusts, hips slapping against his ass. Dean came with a cry of Sam's name, release painting the side of the car. The pulsing of smooth muscle around Sam drove him over the edge a few seconds later. Sam's hips stuttered as he worked them both through the trembling aftershocks of their shared orgasm. He dropped his head onto Dean's shoulder, kissing the rain cooled flesh. He pulled out once he could actually move and collapsed into the soft grass behind them. Dean turned around and laughed as Sam laid there, one arm thrown over his face.

"Sammy?"

"Hmmm?"

Dean laid down next to his brother. "Oh good, you're alive. Thought maybe I killed ya, little brother."

Sam smiled. "Damn near did." But Dean could hear the tears in his voice again.

Dean pulled the hand away from Sam's face and sure enough saw the tears pooling in his beautiful hazel eyes. "You Ok?"

Sam sniffled a bit, turning his head to look at Dean, smiling again. "Guess I do cry my way through sex."

"What?" Dean's brow furrowed in confusion.

Sam shook his head, pulling Dean closer. "Nothin'. I'll explain later."

**No... No.. Dean... **

Sam pulled away from Dean's grip. "Don't Dean! I'm not gonna let you go to hell, Dean!"__

"Yes, you are!" Dean yelled back. "Yes, you are," Dean repeated, calmer.__

Sam stared at him, chest heaving slightly.__

"I'm sorry. I mean this is all my fault, I know that. But what you're doing, it's not gonna save me. It's only gonna kill you," Dean reasoned, voice tight.__

Sam looked away for a second, tears building in his eyes. "Then, what am I supposed to do?" he asked, broken._  
_

"Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam, remember what dad taught you... ok?" Dean smiled sadly as Sam nodded, trying to hold back his tears. "And remember what I taught you._"  
_

_*_

Sam broke completely as he cradled his big brother's broken, bloody body close. He pressed a kiss to Dean's still warm lips. It was too soon, they hadn't had nearly enough time. The last Winchester standing rocked back and forth, arms refusing to let Dean go even when Bobby finally came in to check on things. He looked up at his surrogate father, hazel eyes begging the older hunter to fix it somehow.

"Shit..." Bobby muttered as he tried to pull Sam away from his dead brother. Tears filled his own eyes when Sam merely held on tighter. "Come on, son. You gotta let him go."

Sam choked on a sob. "Bobby..."

Bobby sunk to his knees, arms circling Sam and Dean's body. "'m sorry, Sam. So sorry."

Maybe minutes, maybe hours, but Bobby was finally able to extract Sam from Dean and helped the younger boy carry his body to the Impala. Bobby offered to find a place for a proper hunter's funera l salt and burn. Sam adamantly refused. He was going to fix it. He didn't know _how_, but he was going to get his brother back.

A/N part deux

Dad's on a hunting trip. And he hasn't been home in a few days**- Pilot**

I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam- **Shadow**

Sam? Marry that girl- **Provenance **

I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed - then I hope we never find the damn thing.- **Salvation**

You know what? You're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug, and maybe even slow dance. **- Everybody Loves a Clown**

I just don't know if going to the Roadhouse is the smartest idea- **No Exit**

Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?- **Playthings**

You're bickering like an old married couple.- **Tall Tales**

Sam, look out!- **All Hell Breaks Loose I**

Well, then let it end! **- All Hell Breaks Loose II**

Gumby Girl... does that make me Pokey?- **The Kids Are Alright**

Dude, how many Tuesdays did you have?- **Mystery Spot**

No... No.. Dean...- **No Rest for the Wicked **


	3. Seasons 4 and 5

Title: The Epic Love Story of Sam and Dean  
**Author: **slf630  
**Pairing:** Dean/Sam, mention of Sam/Ruby, Sam/Cara  
**Rating:** NC-17  
**Spoilers/Timeframe:** Seasons 4 and 5  
**Disclaimer:** It's Kripke's sandbox, I'm just borrowing his toys. I promise to give them back when I'm done. Any dialog from the show belongs to the wonderful people that wrote it.  
**Warnings:** Wincest. past weecest. Language. Bottom!Sam. Bottom!Dean, Angst (not sure that's really a warning- agnst is canon after all)  
**Summary:** A look at Sam and Dean's 'love story'.  
A/N: I took certain events from canon and added a Wincesty twist to chronicle their 'relationship'. Alternating POV's. There is a second A/N at the bottom that details what episodes each section is from or based off of (in case it's not clear- I'm pretty sure they are though.) And I shamelessly ripped Sera Gamble off for the title ;)

Beta-ed by the always wonderful and super supportive sakura_no_mi. With out her this never would have seen the light of day.

**What'd it cost? Was it just your soul, or was it something worse?**

__"So tell me, what'd it cost?"__

Sam smiled at his brother. "The girl? I don't pay, Dean."_  
__  
_"That's not funny, Sam. To bring me back. What'd it cost? Was it just your soul, or was it something worse?"__

"You think I made a deal?"__

"That's exactly what we think," Bobby spoke for the first time.__

"Well, I didn't."__

"Don't lie to me," Dean ordered._  
__  
_"I'm not lying."__

Dean advanced toward Sam. "So what now, I'm off the hook and you're on, is that it? You're some demon's bitch-boy? I didn't want to be saved like this."_  
_

Sam stood up, angry. "Look, Dean, I wish I had done it, all right?"_  
_

Dean grabbed Sam by the front of his shirt, hands curling into fists. "There's no other way that this could have gone down. Now tell the truth!"_  
_

Sam knocked Dean's hands away. "I tried everything. That's the truth. I tried opening the Devil's Gate. Hell, I tried to bargain, Dean, but no demon would deal, all right? You were rotting in Hell for months. For months, and I couldn't stop it. So I'm sorry it wasn't me, all right?" Sam dropped his eyes to Dean's chest, unable to look his brother in the face -weight of his failure overwhelming. "Dean, I'm sorry."_  
_

"It's okay, Sammy. You don't have to apologize, I believe you," Dean replied softly.

Dean had been back five days before he and Sam were able to spend more than a few minutes alone. Between Bobby, Pamela, demons, and Angels -_freaking_ _Angels_- they just hadn't been able to take the time.

They were in their usual room at Bobby's, the old man _finally _having gone to sleep. Sam sat on one of the beds, watching Dean pace the room like a caged animal. He'd already salted the windows and door -and rechecked it five times- when Sam snapped. "Dean!"

Dean looked up, eyes wide at Sam's sudden outburst. "What?"

"Would you just go to sleep or sit down? Anything other than pace a hole in the floor."

Dean flopped down on the bed next to Sam, forehead resting on his little brother's shoulder. "Sorry, Sammy. Not really sure what to do with myself."

"Maybe you should just try to get some sleep."

Dean pulled away, turning to face Sam. "Can't sleep man." He placed a tentative hand on Sam's knee. "You realize this is the first time we've been alone since I got back?"

Sam sighed, eyes slipping closed. "Yeah." he paused, not able to meet Dean's eyes. "Look, about the chick at the hotel…"

Dean cut him off. "You don't owe me an explanation, Sam." He brought his hand up, cupping Sam's cheek. Sam leaned into the touch slightly. "I was dead. I didn't expect you to become a monk," he chuckled a bit.

Sam swallowed thickly. "I was just so lonely, man." He turned to Dean, hazel eyes brimming with tears. "I missed you so fucking much. God, it hurt to breathe."

Dean remembered all to well what it felt like when the shoe was on the other foot; when he was the brother left behind. And he only managed to last a few days. Sam had to endure four months. Dean wiped away a tear that broke loose with the pad of his thumb. "It's Ok, Sammy. 'm here now."

He pulled Sam into his arms. Sam buried his face in Dean's chest. They sat like that for several long moments, Dean running his fingers through Sam's hair, Sam breathing in the scent of his big brother -leather, salt, and _home_. Dean dropped one hand to Sam's thigh, strong fingers kneading the muscle. Sam whimpered at the contact, pressing his face harder against Dean's chest. "Sammy…"

Sam looked up, hazel eyes meeting and holding. Neither knew where they stood. Were they just going to pick up where they left off? Sam wasn't sure where this left them. Dean had seemed pretty interested in Pamela. "What're we doing here, Dean?" _Damn_. Sam had almost forgot that his brain and mouth lacked a censor when Dean was this close.

"Whatdya mean?"

_Too late to back out now_. "With us?" Dean quirked an eyebrow in question. "You seemed pretty interested in taking Pamela up on her _offer_."

"I didn't though."

"Cause she ended up in the hospital with her eyes burned outta her head."

"I wouldn't have anyway, Sammy. Come on, man. You know me. That shit is all for show." Dean moved his hand further up Sam's thigh. "The only person I wanna have eat me alive is you," he purred, voice low and husky.

Sam decided that was the perfect time to stop over thinking. He launched himself at Dean, knocking them both backwards onto the mattress. He pressed a wet frantic kiss to Dean's lips. Dean moaned as Sam's tongue ran across the seam of his mouth, seeking entrance. All the blood in his body flew south at the first brush of Dean's tongue against his. He pulled back when the need to breathe became too much. "Need you, Dean… please…"

They stripped in record time. Once naked, Sam lay back on the bed, pulling Dean down to settle between his spread thighs. Sam's eyes strayed to the still angry red palm print burned onto his brother's skin. A fierce sense of possessiveness surged through him stronger than he'd ever felt. Dean was _his_. And he was unable to save him. And now he wore a brand that spoke of Sam's failure.

Dean frowned at the dark look that settled on his beautiful little brother's face. He followed Sam's gaze, sighing when he realized what Sam was looking at. "It's OK, Sam."

Sam shook his head. "Shoulda been me," he mumbled as the overwhelming need for Dean to wear _his _mark took control. He gently placed one large palm over the mark, strangely pleased when his hand engulfed the brand. His fingers slid to the tattoo slightly to the right of Dean's heart. The tattoo that matched his.

Dean smiled as Sam's face softened. "That's _our _mark." He pointed to the burn. "This one means nothing aside from that fact that it brought me back to you."

Sam moved his hand to the back of Dean's head, pulling him down into a soul searing kiss. He broke away from Dean's lips, trailing his mouth down to Dean's collar bone. He bit and sucked the flesh until he could feel the warmth of blood pool beneath the surface. He let his head drop to the pillow, small smile gracing his lips as he saw the already purpling bruise. "And that's _my _mark."

Dean smirked as he reached to the table next to the bed, thankful he had thought to put the lube there before they fell into bed. He slicked up two fingers, running them playfully over Sam's hole. Sam writhed and moaned beneath Dean. "Please, Dean… wanna feel you…" he panted.

Dean pressed forward, index finger breaching the tight ring of muscle. Sam's eyes grew wide, breath hitching. Dean stopped. "You Ok, little brother?"

"Yeah. Just do it, Dean," Sam ground out between gritted teeth.

Dean pushed forward until his finger was all the way in Sam. He gently worked Sam open, one, two, then three fingers until Sam was jerking and muttering. Dean couldn't make out everything that Sam was saying but he was pretty sure that he heard _been too long _and _missed you_ and _Dean please_.

He pulled his fingers out, Sam groaning at the loss. Dean moved to line up his cock with Sam. He pressed forward, stopping when just the tip was in. His little brother wrapped his long legs around Dean's waist, heel of one foot digging into Dean's ass, trying to push Dean all the way in. "Sammy… hold on. Need to take it slow."

"No. Just do it, Dean. Please… wanna feel it."

Dean bit his bottom lip as he pushed into Sam. He dropped his forehead to rest on Sam's broad chest. "God, baby boy… feel so fucking good," he moaned.

Sam jerked his hips. "Fuck me, Dean."

Dean nodded as he sat back up, one hand gripping Sam's thigh right below his hip, the other supporting his weight next to Sam's shoulder. He pulled his cock almost all the way out then slammed back in, the force moving Sam up the bed an inch. Dean began to snap his hips fast and hard as Sam arched off the bed. He knew that he'd hit Sam's prostate when his little brother let out low moan from deep in his chest, hips meeting Dean's thrusts. Dean felt his orgasm building low in his stomach. "'m close, Sammy…" Sam snaked a hand between their sweaty stomachs, long fingers wrapping around his own length. "That's it, Sammy. Make yourself come for me." Sam matched his strokes to Dean's thrusts, his own release close. Sam threw his head back, eyes clenching shut. "Look at me, Sam. Stay with me."

Sam opened his eyes, locking them with Dean's. The moment their eyes met, Sam tensed as his orgasm tore through him, Dean's name a long drawn out moan. Dean rocked Sam through his release before resuming his brutal pace, chasing his own pleasure. He came a few minutes later, growling Sam's name. He collapsed onto Sam, arm no longer able to hold his still trembling body.

They laid like that for so long they lost track of time, softly caressing and kissing gently. Dean finally pulled out of Sam and rolled onto his side, tugging Sam into his arms. Sam smiled sated and sleepily up at his brother. "Welcome home, big brother," he whispered before drifting to sleep.

**If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you.**

They drove in silence for awhile. Dean looked to Sam, only to find him staring out the side window. Dean turned back to the windshield. "You did the right thing, you know. That guy was a monster, there was no going back." Sam merely ducked his head down further. "Sam, I wanna tell you I'm sorry. I've been kind of hard on you lately."__

Sam lifted his head slightly and the broken look on his face damn near killed Dean. "Don't worry about it, Dean."__

"It's just that your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me."__

"Look, if it's all the same... I'd really rather not talk about it." Sam finally turned to look at Dean, who let a little smile play on his lips.__

"Wait a minute. What? You don't want to talk? You?"__

Sam didn't respond to the smile or the teasing. "There's nothing more to say. I can't keep explaining myself to you. I can't make you understand."__

"Why don't you try?"__

"I can't. Because this thing, this blood, it's not in you the way it's in me. It's just something I got to deal with."__

"Not alone." _Never alone Sammy. _Is what he really wanted to say.  
_  
_Sam merely sighed, turning back to the window. Just when Dean was sure the conversation was over, Sam replied. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. These powers... it's playing with fire. I'm done with them." Dean looked to his brother, catching his reflection in the smooth glass. "I'm done with everything."_  
_  
"Really?" Dean tried not to sound hopeful. Sam went quiet again as Dean turned his attention back to the road. "Well, that's a relief. Thank you."__

Sam turned back towards him, scoffing a little. "Don't thank me. I'm not doing it for you. Or for the angels or for anybody. This is my choice."_  
_

That was an another unexpected stab to the heart. He tried not to be hurt by what Sam said, tried not to think about where this left them. His gut twisted painfully.

He could get passed the fact that Sam had slept with someone else; they'd both done it before. What he couldn't deal with was the fact that is was _Ruby_. And Sam lied about her and his psychic _whatever_. Blatantly lied right to his fucking face. Was Sam still fucking her? What else did they do when they would sneak off in the middle of the night?

Granted, he and Sam hadn't exactly picked right back up where they left off. And Dean knew that it was partly his fault. He was having a hard time dealing with the memories of his time in Hell. And he had pulled away from Sam. They hadn't had sex since a few days after his miraculous resurrection. They would sometimes touch or kiss but it felt more like it was out of habit than want.

Seals were being broken, the fucking Apocalypse had started, there were fucking Angels popping in at the most random times. God -which Dean _still _wasn't convinced about- was probably watching them. In short, their lives had became an even bigger shit storm than they already were. Did they really have time to settle their little domestic drama?

"I haven't been with her since you've been back, ya know." Sam's voice was so low that Dean almost didn't hear it. And he really didn't even know how to begin to respond. But apparently he didn't need to, Sam merely continued talking. "I know that you probably don't care, but I just thought you should know." He still talked to the window, not once facing Dean.

Dean _did _care. He just didn't know how to get past this on top of everything else. Maybe it would be best to continue to drift apart. They could still hunt together; they'd managed it before. They'd go back to just brothers. Sam and Dean, not _SamandDean. _

Still not knowing what to say, Dean merely nodded.

**I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a g-string. It was you**.

The situation with the Siren stung. Neither could face, or deny, what it revealed about the nature of their relationship. The damn thing forced men to kill the most important person in their lives. And with the exception of the of the one guy that killed his mother, the others had killed their wives, their _partners_.

And it got to _both _of them.

They hadn't spoken about _them _since Dean found out about Ruby. They just stopped. Hell, Sam even fucked pretty Dr. Cara.

And even though faced with the inescapable knowledge the Siren's attack brought to light -they _still _didn't talk about it.

**There's Sam Girls and Dean Girls and...What's a slash fan?**

"There's Sam Girls and Dean Girls and...What's a slash fan?" Dean looked at the screen, mildly confused.

"As in Sam slash Dean… together."

__Dean looked up at Sam then, disbelief etched on his face. "Like together, together? They do know we're brothers right?"

__Sammerely shook his head. "Doesn't seem to matter."

__Dean slammed the laptop closed. "Well that's just sick!"

It wasn't until after they got Chuck's information from the slightly creepy and overly enthusiastic publisher that Sam couldn't hold it in any longer. They were driving to the address she had given them, when Sam cleared his throat. "So…"

Dean shot him a glance from the driver's side, one eyebrow raised in question. "Sooo…." Dean drug out when it seemed Sam wasn't going to continue.

"When we found that site…"

Dean cut Sam off. He knew _exactly _where this was going and they didn't talk about _it_. Not even when they _were _doing it. "Don't, Sam."

"I just wanna know why you reacted that way," Sam whispered.

Ok. So maybe Sam hadn't got the _we don't discuss this _memo. Dean would just have to remind him. "Just drop it, Sam."

"Do you regret it?" Sam looked at him, almond shaped eyes wide, head cocked slightly to the right.

Well _fuck_. Those four little words and _that _face? Dean was a goner. And they both knew it. He had to try, at least a little, to not just roll over for Sam like he used to. "Knock off the kicked puppy shit," Dean sighed. "Honestly?" he paused for a second. "The big brother part of me does."

Sam nodded, turning to look back out the window to avoid looking at Dean. "Ok. That explains the reaction then."

"I said part of me, Sam. Not all." Dean glanced quickly at Sam out of the corner of his eye. "It wasn't about you… or _that_," Dean responded after a few tense moments, voice thick.

Sam finally turned back to look at him. "Then why?"

Dean sighed and ran one hand through his hair. "It's personal shit, man. And people are using it for entertainment."

"They don't know we're real," Sam reasoned softly.

Dean shook his head. "Doesn't matter." He took a deep breath. He hated this -having to talk about _them _and the sharing and caring crap. _Damn stupid emo little brother_. "I just… it's… damn it, Sam."

And for some reason Sam understood what Dean was trying -and failing- to say. Their _relationship _had been solely theirs. No one knew about it. And even if the fangirls -heh, that was still kinda funny- didn't know they were real people, if felt like a violation of some sort. "Yeah. I get it, Dean."

Dean let out a relieved breath and shot a half smile at his little brother. Even though it hadn't been the same between them since shortly after Dean came back, it didn't change their past. In that moment, the time apart seemed to disappear and Dean found his hand sliding across the bench seat, palm up. Sam looked down at it, a small smile gracing his lips as he slid his hand into Dean's, entwining their fingers. "It wasn't about you, Sammy," Dean whispered as he squeezed his brother's fingers just slightly.

**You walk out that door, don't you ever come back**.

"You walk out that door, don't you ever come back," Dean rasped, voice wrecked were Sam had choked him.

Sam's blood ran cold when those words fell from his brother's mouth. Dean knew what they would do to Sam -he'd been there when they had been uttered before. He wanted to turn around and beat the shit out of Dean again. Or fall to his knees and beg forgiveness. He really wasn't sure. So he merely kept going.

If Dean wanted to be like their dad, then so be it. Sam didn't stick around then, he sure as fuck wouldn't now.

**Dean... He's coming.**

Despite what they'd been through the last year, when faced with the Devil himself they found themselves clinging to each other as always.

Both hands shot out automatically and in perfect sync. One trying to protect, one seeking forgiveness.

Neither looked at the other. They didn't need to. They'd always been able to find each other; even in the dark.

**I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you**.

"I tried, Sammy. I mean, I really tried. But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother and look what happened."

"I would give anything -anything- to take it all back."

"I know you would. And I know how sorry you are. I do. But, man...you were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even..." Dean paused, struggling for words. "I'm just -I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?"_  
_

"What can I do?"

"Honestly? Nothing," Dean paused again. "I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don't think I can trust you."

The words cut like a knife. But Sam knew that he deserved them. He had betrayed Dean in every way a person possibly could.

He stood stock, still staring at his brother's back, his 'fight or flight' instinct kicking into overdrive. Part of him wanted to turn tail and run as fast and as far as he could. The other part wanted to grab Dean and kiss him until there were no more doubts.

He still loved Dean. Knew that he always would. But everything that happened, most of which were Sam's own fault, destroyed whatever possibility may have existed. Heaven and Hell had used and manipulated them, but Sam had dealt the fatal blow.

He could almost hear his heart shatter when Dean turned away from him.

**Maybe it's best we just...go our separate ways.**

Watching Sam walk away should be easy for Dean after all the times he'd seen it. But it never got easier.

Sam was Dean's world. Had been since the kid was born. And even though John hadn't meant for it to happen, Sam had become _his _the night of the fire.

And Dean was giving him up, again. It seemed like he spent his life giving Sam up in one form or another.

He tried so hard to just let things be; let things go. Every fiber he had wanted to go after Sam, stop him and tell him that he still loved him. But Winchester pride was a stupid, dangerous, all consuming thing. So he let Sam go. Once again loosing the only person that ever mattered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Lucifer's wearing you to the prom?**

"Look, Sam—it doesn't matter—whatever we do. I mean, it turns out that you and me, we're the, uh, the fire and the oil of the Armageddon. You know, on that basis alone, we should just pick a hemisphere. Stay away from each other for good."

__"Dean, it does not have to be like this. We can fight it."

__"Yeah, you're right. We can. But not together. We're not stronger when we're together, Sam. I think we're weaker. Because whatever we have between us -love, family, whatever it is -they are always gonna use it against us. And you know that. Yeah, we're better off apart. We got a better chance of dodging Lucifer and Michael and this whole damn thing, if we just go our own ways."

__"Dean, don't do this."

__"Bye, Sam."

Seeing his own beautiful baby brother snap his future self's neck was a huge wake up call. And the fucking Devil wearing Sam's skin like it was his own? Something in Dean broke.

In another life, another time, he had let Sam go as well. But never once tried to fix it. He left his brother alone and fragile and Satan took full advantage. Sam had begged to come back. But Dean had been to stubborn and hurt to even try. The minute Cas got him away from Zach, Dean knew what he needed to do.

"What are you doing?" Cas watched as Dean pulled out his phone.

__"Something I should have done in the first place."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**It's supposed to be me and you against the world.**

Sam's version of Heaven destroyed Dean. Ripped his heart out and stomped on it a few times. They may not have been able to get back to where they once were but Dean thought that Sam would have at least _one _good memory from their time together. Hell, _his _very first memory was of Sam.

And then Ash going on about soul mates and sharing Heaven and _Winchester-land_. The fact that he and Sam were in each other's Heaven's was not lost on Dean. He didn't really believe in soul mates, but if there _was _such a thing, Sam was his.

God didn't give a fuck, Cas was broken, and Joshua was right. Dean was losing faith in everything.

**What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just…walk out?  
**  
"So."__

"'So' what?"__

"I saw your eyes. You were totally rockin' the "yes" back there. So, what changed your mind?" __

"Honestly? The damnedest thing. I mean, the world's ending. The walls are coming down on us, and I look over to you and all I can think about is, "this stupid son of a bitch brought me here." I just didn't want to let you down."__

Sam smiled. "You didn't. You almost did. But you didn't."__

Dean was quiet for a moment. "I owe you an apology."__

Sam shook his head. "No, man. No, you don't."__

"Just...let me say this. I don't know if it's being a big brother or what, but to me, you've always been this snot-nosed kid that I've had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that that's not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you're grown-up enough to find faith in me…the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way."__

Sam smiled and nodded slightly. "Sounds good."

They stopped for the night a few hours later. Sam wasn't sure where they were; somewhere between Van Nuys and Sioux Falls. The silence in the motel was weird, oppressive, and deafening. They were fine in the truck they 'borrowed' for the trip back. But for some reason there was something hanging in the air that clung to them like sweat in August.

Dean sat down on the foot of one of the beds, absentmindedly rubbing the back of his neck. Sam stood awkwardly by the door, looking at anything but his brother.

"Sam."

"Dean."

They laughed a little as they said each other's name at the same time, weird tension relieved slightly. Sam smirked as he waved his hand in his brother's direction. "Go on, man. Age before beauty and all."

Dean quirked an eyebrow at Sam. He knew what Sam was doing. And he appreciated it. Try as he might, he couldn't contain the smile. "Good one, baby boy."

Sam's eyes snapped to his. Was that just a slip of the tongue? Memory from when they weren't constantly fighting and hurting each other? Or was it secret Dean code? He opened and closed his mouth a few times, not really sure what the hell he really wanted to say. But his upstairs brain disconnected, as it often did around Dean, and his downstairs brain must have been programmed to respond to that term of affection. He found himself standing there half hard from just two little words. And Sam's mouth usually grew a mind of its own when all his brain power rushed south. "Do you mean that?"

Dean didn't know what Sam meant. Did he mean what? That it was a good joke? Well, it was, Dean shrugged internally. Then Dean's brain caught up with the moment. _Oh_. Shit. It was the baby boy thing. "Do you want me to mean it?"

Same old Dean. They had been doing this off and on for 12 years and he still had to let Sam make the decision. But Sam _did _want him to mean it. So he clamped down on his natural instinct to be the bratty little brother. He walked forward, dropping to his knees between Dean's legs, large warm palms settling on Dean's hips. He leaned in, lips ghosting over his big brother's. "More than anything," he whispered, voice already husky.

Dean ran his hand through Sam's too-long hair. "Missed you," he whispered back before closing the rest of the distance between them, both physically and emotionally.

The kiss was a slow sweet slide of lips, tentative and slightly unsure. Sam pulled back first, eyes seeking Dean's. "Do you want this, Dean? I mean, after everything…"

Dean cut him off. "We're both to blame, Sammy. But I'm done pretending. So we move forward. We let the past mistakes go," he paused, brow furrowing. "Unless…"

"No. I do." Sam's eyes dropped to his hands, still gripping Dean's hipbones. "Never stopped."

Dean cupped the side of his face, tilting it back up. "Me neither."

The next kiss was the exact opposite of the first one. It was frantic, nearly two years of pent up love, lust, anger and pain rolling together. Dean growled deep in his throat when Sam nipped at his bottom lip. Sam moaned when one of Dean's hands grabbed his ass, strong fingers kneading the muscular globe.

They ripped and tore clothes off themselves and each other. The intensity of _Ohmygodgottahaveyounow _making their hands shake. There was a moment when they were both in just their boxer briefs were they just stopped and looked at each other. Chests heaving and identical hazel eyes blown wide with lust, they simply _looked_. Sam broke first, eyes locked on Dean's. "Dean…"

"I know Sammy… I know."

They crashed together in the middle of the bed furthest from the door, hands, lips and tongues relearning familiar skin. Sam laid down, pulling Dean on top of him. "Want you so fuckin' bad, big brother."

Dean hummed his agreement against Sam's abs. The elder hunter looked up the long expanse of Sam's muscular body. He hadn't really realized it but Sam had gotten freaking huge over the last two years. They locked eyes again as Dean slowly removed Sam's boxers. Sam's breath hitched when he felt the wet heat of Dean's mouth surround his dick. Dean sucked him down like a starving man at an all you can eat buffet. "God… Dean… you gotta stop that… not gonna last…" Sam panted.

Dean pulled away, kissing and nibbling his way back up Sam's body, until his lips were hovering over Sam's ear. "Can't have that. Wanna make you come while I'm buried inside that sweet ass." Sam shivered at the _fuck me now _tone of Dean's voice.

"Love the way your voice sounds after my cock's been in your throat."

Dean smirked. "You like that, do ya, little brother?"

"Fuck yeah." Sam wrapped his long arms around Dean, flipping him onto his back. Dean looked up into Sam's flushed face, one eyebrow raised. "Wanna ride you."

Dean grunted as he pulled Sam down to his chest, kissing him again. He pulled back, lips still pressed against Sam's. "So fuckin' hot, baby boy."

Sam scooted down Dean's thighs, pulling of his underwear as he went. Dean placed a hand on Sam's hip. "Wait… hold on, Sammy."

"What?"

"No lube."

Sam leaned forward, gently kissing his brother's full pouty lips. "Don't really care. Can't wait. Can't stop."

Dean shook his head. "Don't wanna hurt you."

Sam brought Dean's hand to his mouth, lips wrapping around two fingers. He sucked Dean's fingers like they were his dick, getting them as wet as he could. Dean's eyes darkened as he watched Sam. "Jesus Christ, Sam," Dean moaned as the sight caused his cock to twitch.

Sam leaned forward onto his knees, moving Dean's hand to his ass. "That'll do."

Dean pressed his index finger into Sam's tight hole, resistance overwhelming at first. He stopped when Sam hissed, head falling forward. "Sammy?"

"'m Ok, Dean. Just do it. Please."

Dean pushed his finger all the way in, pausing to let Sam breathe. He started wiggling his finger as he felt the tension begin to give. He pulled it out, shoving two back in. He twisted and scissored his fingers until Sam was writhing and moaning against him. "'m ready, Dean. Come on. Fuck me."

Dean pulled his fingers out, needy little whimper escaping Sam's lips. He spit into his palm as Sam raised up on his knees. It was crude and not nearly enough but it would have to work. He stroked his cock, slicking it as best he could. Sam's thighs trembled as he held himself over Dean's length. "Maybe this isn't the best way to do this tonight, Sammy."

Sam shook his head as he sank down onto Dean's cock. There was no way he'd be able to stand the slow burning slide. He relaxed his thigh muscles, letting gravity and his weight make up for the lack of lube. He stopped once he was seated flush against Dean's hips. Dean arched slightly off the bed, Sam's tight heat overwhelming. "Fuck… Sam… so tight…"

Sam laid forward, chest resting against his brother's. "Has been awhile, ya know," Sam panted, laughter in his voice. The chuckle Dean gave back warmed his heart. He kissed Dean as he began to rock back and forth, burn subsiding to a pleasant stretch. They set a slow pace at first, both needing to adjust again. Sam shifted his hips, Dean's cock hitting his prostate, a deep guttural moan rumbling in his chest. His thrusts picked up speed, riding Dean frantically. Dean bent his knees, feet flat on the mattress and met Sam stroke for stroke. Sam's face was buried in the crock of Dean's neck, kissing, biting and sucking the skin there. "Missed you so fuckin' much, Dean. 'm sorry. 'm so sorry. Never stopped loving you," Sam babbled, lips still pressed to Dean's neck.

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam's back. "Shh. It's ok, baby boy," Dean soothed as he kissed Sam's temple. "'m sorry too." Dean swallowed thickly, before whispering against the side of Sam's face, "I love you, Sammy."

Sam felt his heart warm. Dean _never _told him that, even in the heat of the moment. Sure, when they were together before, Sam _knew _that Dean loved him. But hearing the words, especially after all they'd been through pushed Sam over the edge. His rhythm became erratic, Dean's cock hitting his prostate on every thrust. But those three little words were Sam's undoing. His orgasm took him by surprise, a cry of Dean's name torn from his lips.

Dean gently rocked Sam through the trembling aftershocks before flipping them over. Sam was still shaking as Dean increased his pace, fast and deep but not hard. Their eyes locked when Dean came, a few dozen strokes later, Sam's name a deep moan.

Dean collapsed onto Sam, sweat and come sticky between them, but Dean hadn't felt so right in two years. Sam brought still shaky arms up and wrapped them around Dean, hugging him closer, if possible. Dean smiled against Sam's chest, his little brother's rapid heartbeat starting to slow under his cheek. "You Ok, Sammy?"

"Yeah." Sam smiled up at Dean; sated and happy.

Dean gently pulled out of Sam, flopping onto his back and pulling Sam into his arms. Sam sighed and snuggled down into his big brother's embrace.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me. **

They were leaving for Detroit the next morning. Sam and Dean ditched Bobby and Cas, claiming they needed to go over the plan and get ready for what they had to do.

They laid on one of the beds, both fully clothed, Dean on his back, arms wrapped around Sam who had his head on Dean's shoulder. They didn't speak, the only movement the soft rise and fall of their chests in perfect unison and Dean's hand gently running through Sam's hair.

They laid like that for hours, listening to their joined breathing and heartbeats -letting those say what couldn't be put into words. It had always been that way with them. When it was important, they didn't need words. There _were _no words -what could they even say? That they loved each other? They both knew. That they were sorry? They knew. That they would miss each other? Not even a question. That neither really wanted it to go this way? They _knew_. That Dean knew he would die the moment his brother took that leap? Had already been proven.

Sam leaned up, weight propped on one elbow, eyes locking with Dean's. His other hand began to absentmindedly trace patterns on Dean's cotton covered stomach. Dean didn't have to look to know they were protective symbols.

They moved forward at the same time, lips meeting in the middle. It was a slow and gentle, a true betrayal of the madness and urgency of the situation around them.

They were still silent as they began to slowly undress each other, hands and lips worshiping every bit of skin as it was revealed. They stroked, kissed, and touched for hours; both knew what the next day would bring -knew that they wouldn't get another chance. They made love in silence, sharp inhales and tiny bitten back moans the only sound aside from their pounding hearts. They ended as they begun -Sam buried deep inside Dean until they both lost control. And after, they clung together -as they had their whole lives- and fell asleep. Neither having said a word.

After several hours on the road Dean noticed Cas asleep in the backseat. He looked in the rearview mirror then to Sam. "Aw. Ain't he a little angel?"

Sam turned to look at Cas. "Angels don't sleep." The brothers shared a knowing look; Cas was pretty much human.

Dean turned his eyes back towards the road. "Sam, I got a bad feeling about this," he said softly.

Sam smirked slightly. "Well, you'd be nuts to have a good feeling about it."

"You know what I mean. Detroit. He always said he'd jump your bones in Detroit. Here we are. Maybe this is him rolling out the red carpet, you know? Maybe he knows something that we don't." He looked to Sam out of the corner of his eye.

"Dean, I'm sure he knows a buttload we don't. We just got to hope he doesn't know about the rings," Sam paused, not wanting to bring this up, but knowing that he had to. "Hey, um... on the subject, there's something I got to talk to you about."

Dean looked suspicious. "What?"

"This thing goes our way and I...Triple lindy into that box... Y-you know I'm not coming back."

"Yeah, I'm aware."

Sam turned slightly in his seat. "So you got to promise me something."

"Okay. Yeah. Anything."

"You got to promise not to try to bring me back," Sam said quickly.

"What? No, I didn't sign up for that." Anger sparked in Dean's belly.

"Dean..."

Dean cut Sam off. "Your hell is gonna make my tour look like Graceland. Y-you want me just to sit by and do nothing?" Dean couldn't believe what Sam was asking him to do.

"Once the cage is shut, you can't go poking at it, Dean. It's too risky," Sam replied earnestly, trying to make Dean see reason.

"No, no, no, no, no. As if I'm just gonna let you rot in there."

"Yeah, you are. You don't have a choice."

Dean sounded broken. "You can't ask me to do this."

Sam knew what this was doing to his big brother but they had no choice this time, it had to happen this way. "I'm sorry, Dean. You have to."

"So then what am I supposed to do?"

"You go find Lisa." Dean rolled his eyes, knowing already where Sam was going with this. As if Dean could just forget everything his little brother meant to him, all that they had been through -pretend that he had never loved Sam. "You pray to god she's dumb enough to take you in, and you...you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me," Sam urged. Dean could only stare at Sam as his heart broke just alittlemore.

A/N part deux-

What'd it cost? Was it just your soul, or was it something worse?- **Lazarus Rising**  
If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you- **Metamorphosis**  
I gave him what he needed. And it wasn't some bitch in a g-string. It was you - **Sex and Violence**  
There's Sam Girls and Dean Girls and...What's a slash fan?- **The Monster at the End of This Book  
**You walk out that door, don't you ever come back- **When The Levee Breaks**  
Dean... He's coming- **Lucifer Rising**  
I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know? I just don'tthink I can trust you- **Sympathy For The Devil**  
Maybe it's best we just...go our separate ways**- ****Good God Y'All**  
Lucifer's wearing you to the prom?- **The End**  
It's supposed to be me and you against the world- **Dark Side of the Moon**  
What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just…walk out?**- Point of No Return**  
You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me**- Swan Song**


End file.
